Tuesday, January 10, 2012

until then

I have dreaded this day since Friday night at 9 pm. Last week, I wrote a post about my step father and his fight with cancer knowing that he wouldn't have much longer to live. I just didn't expect a week later. My mom contacted me last Friday and urged me to come soon to the hospital. When I got there, I wasn't prepared for what I saw nor was I prepared for the reaction on my son's face. He was frozen, his face turned red, the eyes started to well up with tears and then he held it in. Already at six years old thinking he can't cry. We stayed an hour or so and left; two hours later he was gone. Into the light with open arms, he is now home. 

How bizarre I was talking to my cousin on the phone and had just told her "I wish God would wrap his arms around him and take him to peace". About five minutes later my uncle called and said he had passed. How ironic. Was it coincidence? Was it that someone was listening to my voice? I do not know, but we got to say goodbye and I love yous. Maybe that's what he was waiting for. To be surrounded by his family and the acceptance to go. I don't know if he could hear us, but I know he was peaceful when he left and I know that my heart hurts. He wasn't my real father, but the only grandfather my son ever knew. He was right there with my mom at the hospital at 7 am when I delivered. He took Ian's first pictures after being born. Up until he was too weak, he came to every t-ball and baseball game. He loved to cookout and family. He yearned for a family all of his life and he got one when he married my mom. It doesn't seem fair that at only 60 years old he will not get to see the rest of the journey, but maybe he is ...from above. 

Cancer is a disease that is hateful, spiteful and unjustified. To take a person and rot their bodies to the point of being undignified. The emotional toll of the wait and then the end. Today there will be tears. But are they tears of sorrow? Tears of rejoice for his life? I am angry. Angry he is not here to be with our family. Angry that he suffered. There will be no more family vacations with him, no more of his awesome hamburgers, swimming in the pool, him taking a blue zillion pictures with his high powered camera or him calling my son "biggie boy" like he always did. 

The only thing I know is I loved him. Our family loved him. My son so loved him. We say goodbye today will full military honors, the twenty one gun salute that you so deserved for serving your country for over twenty years. So until then, on another day until we meet again, my heart is filled with love and gratitude for we are the lucky one's to have had him for the memories that will forever live in our hearts.

he was from Texas and this was on their trip 

my favorite picture
Ian was about 6 months old

Hug someone just once more today,


  1. Dusty my heart is hurting for you and your family today...I am giving you a big ole hug right now!

  2. So sorry for your loss, Dusty, but glad to hear that he is no longer suffering. Keeping you and your family in my prayers!

  3. Dusty, I am so sorry for your loss. I can not even imagine the hurt you're feeling. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers!

  4. Dusty, so sorry for your loss. My thoughts & prayers are with you & your family.

  5. Coming over from Casey's page. I'm so sorry for your loss. Thoughts and prayers for you and your family.