Survivor Me?

I would like to think I could do anything if I set my mind to it and that includes the show Survivor. But those who know me pretty well, know I am not one with dirt. My friends used to say, "Dusty doesn't do dirt" but then God gave me a boy and screwed up my princess theory. So, now I do dirt, sorta. But I don't think I could be on the show Survivor. I admire people that are nature driven. I follow these wonderful blogs where they take these beautiful picture of nature hikes, snow cap mountains and trees that reach to the moon. I go outside walk around my house and declare that a hike, pick up the garden hose and imagine a giant water fall. So, I know that me on a remote island with 15 other people wouldn't be something that's on my bucket list. 

First, my people map labels me a Free Spirit/Leader. Which means while we should be building shelter, we should have a wine spritzer while we do it. I mean if your going to chop bamboo all day, you should be rewarded. Second, I can handle the air drying of the hair if people can stand looking at me and my twin, Buckwheat, but there is no where to plug in my makeup mirror. I am not saying I need to put on all the war paint necessary, but geez a little mascara and lipgloss might get you somewhere with some of these men who are in total heat 30 days without yum yum. 

Then there is the fact of the challenges. Me, run, gather puzzle pieces, run some more, climb a rope, ding a bell, turn a cartwheel and try to knock out ceramic squares with a pebble? Uh, no. I can barely see with my glasses or contacts on and you want me to hit a 2 x 2 square, so my whole tribe can share a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? Sorry, but I did all the work, get your own PB & J, I ain't putting my lips on someone else's stinky coconut cup or sandwich just so I won't die from starvation. Oh, and speaking of, I wouldn't survive with all that rice they eat. 

But there is also the bugs, snakes and rats. Now, why in the sam thunder hell would you sign up to be eaten alive my monster mosquitoes, risk getting ate by a large anaconda and sleep with rats crawling around camp. I will take a zero. Or wear the same pair of underwear for 30 days. You can wash them in the ocean all you want, but the salt water eventually is going to exfoliate the wassa and then your in a mess. And if you can only take one luxary item, why would it not be feminine products? Teeth coating of gross I can take, but somewhere your going to have a cycle. It's not like you can look at them and say, sorry but I got PMS, cramps and need to lie on this hard ass bamboo bed all day to feel better, oh and by the way, you gotta a Midol? I mean you get a wax job before you go but by the end of thirty days your tribe mates are going to think they are sharing camp with a gorilla. I am all for sharing but this is just not one of them. 

Don't get me wrong, I will go camping and work out in my yard, but I am not going to volunteer to be stranded on an island, not even for a million dollars. It would take half a million to have your body regraphed from all the bug bites, your dentist to scrape your teeth at least 6 times to get the fuzz off, and you'll have to hire a bush hog to remove the hair that's grown on your body parts. 

Thank you Jeff Probst, your hot, but I will pass. Survivor me? NO!

Would you go on Survivor?

Dusty