Thursday, September 6, 2012

WE broke up!

So, you know how I mentioned I had a little minor surgery last week. Well, I decided that I had enough and me and the hemmoroid broke the eff up! You have read me write about this and for the last six months we have been pretty intimate, but I, for the love of Pete, decided that there are certain things in a relationship I can't handle and a pain in the ass is one of them. After two days of complete and utter arguing back and forth, I decided to go see the doctor and she said, "oh, Dusty, you need to have that cut out." At this point, the relationship had run its course and I decided that before I had to buy it a Christmas present, it was time to destroy. You know like in high school before Valentines Day and your boyfriend breaks up with you so he doesn't have to buy you a gift. Bastard! Huh, oh, yeah, wandered.

The surgeon called me Wednesday morning, I went in and in 60 seconds, that asshole was removed from my life. It wasn't pleasant. When he explained to me where the needle was going and if I didn't remove it, it was going to continue to cause me excruciating pain, I decided for the first time in my life to sort of cheat on Duh and let another man look at my body parts for which I told him that we weren't going to be friends. It was just wham, bam and a boom and I will leave his office without even the mention of his name. I wouldn't tell a soul, if he didn't tell a soul.

As the nurse was petting my head like I was a screaming coyote, it was over in less than a minute. I told him that if we were married, I would divorce him because in my eyes I think that constitutes some type of violation although I consented. Hell, people get divorced now a days over something less tragic.

After putting enough gauz between my ass cheeks to help a wounded animal, I asked him if it was gone. He said, completely and I got dressed, walked out of the room and smiled at the rest of the patients waiting because I am pretty sure they heard me scream in Egypt.  I mean we were up close and personal, I didn't even get a kiss. My butt was numb for three hours in which at one thought wished I could revert back to being 6 months old, just to see what it would be like to shit my pants and set in it. I came home and after a few days of recovery, I so proud to say that breaking up was not hard to do. So, you see although as painful as the split was, I know that my butthole is in a better place. I will be able to move on and look back on it, as one of the fondest memories I ever had. I won't cry anymore, I won't have to put frozen squash between my legs or insert with another bullet again. And although Preparation H will lose my money, I will be happy to donate it to another cause. Yes, it could have told friends and could resurface on the other side, but if it knows what is good for it, it will stay dead and buried because I now have a friend. A special friend with numbing medicine and a sharp utensil and apparently he's not afraid to use it.

I am free! No more fruit like object protruding out of my butt. It's the best break up I have ever had in my life. I may kiss a redneck with no teeth after this. Rejoice with laughter my friends.

Happy Thursday,
Dusty

25 comments:

  1. Oh Dusty! You made me laugh so hard!

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  2. The fact that you wrote a blog post about having a hemmoroid removed makes me worship you.

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  3. I don't believe anyone has nor ever will again describe a hemmoroid removal with such class.
    you're amazing.
    and congrats on the break up.

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  4. I just died!!! Thanks for the laughs! I can always count on you!!

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  5. LMAO! Oh Dusty, you are completely and utterly hilarious! Even in all of your hilariousness (I had to look this up, because I swear I didn't know it was a word), you write so beautifully even about hemmoroids. I know you're glad that sucker is gone! I get them from time to time, so I know all about that pain in the ass! You are too funny!

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  6. Oh I'm rejoicing. And I want to hear this coyote scream of yours.

    P.S. You are brave. I hate needles.

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  7. yayyayayayayaya!!!!! Way to prove that breaking up isn't so damn bad! Honestly, so glad you have this behind you. No pun intended. ;)

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  8. I can't figure out why you have no pictures in this post to support your story??

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  9. Hilarious girlie just hilarious!

    Glad you gave it the boot ;)

    Sharee'
    www.momFITtingitallin.com

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  10. oh man, LM's comment just has me rolling. so funny. right?

    I just cringe at the thought Dusty, I just do. This just scares the shit out of me.

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  11. Haha this was a good laugh for my morning, but so glad that your uninvited guest is gone!

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  12. OMG I had no idea (traveling does bad things for my blog reading!) but so glad that asshole is no longer in yours hahaha. and let us know what cause you end up donating it to :-)

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  13. Hahaha...wow. I didn't know they could just cut those out in 60 seconds of less!

    At least there is something in common between having that thing removed and an actual break up...you can treat both with some ice cream and a good chick flick. ;)

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  14. Halle-FREAKIN-lujah!!! That was a bad relationship from the beginning. I knew you guys wouldn't last! ;)
    Glad you are feeling better!
    Shanna

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  15. You are pretty much the only person I know that could write a post about a hemi and have me love you even more.

    But I agree with some of the sentiments above... You should have taken a picture of that little raisin brain.

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  16. That's hilariouuusss and so awesome that you can share that with all the blogland.. Now others can learn and know from your experience.. So where did it get buried?

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  17. I am so thrilled for you and your butthole. May the two of you live peacefully, forever!

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  18. good god!
    i can only imagine the screams heard from egypt.
    glad it's gone.
    good riddance.

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  19. Bahaha! Hell yes for the breakup! I can't even imagine the pain of that :O Really, it's posts like these that re-enforce the fact of why you are like one of my fave bloggers on the web.

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  20. I'm so happy you and your ass got rid of that annoying relationship with the roid. It's like 3's a crowd, dude. Aside from laughing my ass off I'm also intensely grossed out. But we are friends and part of friendship is hearing about the roid removal.

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  21. At my last colonoscopy I told the Dr he should buy me dinner first...just as they were putting me out. Glad your bum is a pain free zone!

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  22. At first I thought, "Is this a metaphor for something or is she really writing about her anal probs?" When I realized it was the latter I re-read the entire post laughing! You, my dear, are brutally honest which is why I love this bloggy! Too funny. And on a side note - I would have demanded anesthesia (sp?). Brave, brave soul.

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  23. I'm really proud of you for getting that thing out! Congratulations on being preparation H free.

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  24. This is great! haha! newest follower here! Have a blessed day!

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  25. ohhh my gosh. how embarrassing, but i have been there myself a few times. once with a super cute doctor and an ulcer so he had to see if it was "bleeding." and once, yes with a hemorroid. mine probably wasnt near as bad, but ive had it on and off for about 10 years. thanks for linking this up. i feel so "not alone" now.haha!!

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