Monday, October 22, 2012

The Lost Goodbye

As many times I have tried to write this post, I have erased it. As many times as I have tried to put into words for days they did not come. I have closed my eyes a hundred times and tried to wake up to see if it was not real. The truth is, it is real. Let me take you back one week.

Last Friday night, there was no sleep. I lie in bed and wonder. The anger intensified by the exhaust and on Saturday morning the release of months of why, what for and how come? Then came the choice to choose for I could not take the fear, the worry, the explaining. The choice of what I thought could be the road to a better place, unfortunately not. It was another lie. Three days later, a normal Monday. Work, school, the thought of what is for dinner and then late after noon where those words.."Oh, by the way, I moved." Just like that without warning. He was gone without facing us. One phone call. A phone call. I rushed to my child, not telling him what happened. We walk into our house and there it was. Silence. Empty rooms. Nothing. In a matter of hours, we became a statistic. No good bye's. No I am sorry. No discussion. Silence. Then tears. I hold my son and promise it will be okay. 

The facts are simple but make no sense. I am not perfect, but I try to live my life and surround myself with people that are good. I am not one of influence. I have never been a follower. I believe in soul mates and I believe that you can love in good and bad. I believe in unselfish acts. I believe you give to those who love you and not beat them down. I believe that you do not run away from your problems. I believe that cheating is evil. I believe that anything can be unbroken and mended. I believe in respect and I believe in family. He had for all reason believed in none

I forgave the multiple cheating which devastated me and my child and at one time sent me into a dark hole that took months to come out. I forgave the words in which I thrust upon him, myself out of anger for which I cannot take back. I forgave the selfishness and the lack of attention for both of us. I forgave. But all he does is run.

This isn't the first time. It's a pattern. But this time the choice was easy his friends or his family. For him, the choice was his friends. His words to me, "I want to be able to have fun with my friends and see my son on my allotted time." Alloted TimeHis words to me, "your too controlling, I am glad about my decision." 

My answers to this are simple. At 40 years old, when do you grow up? In his world maybe never or not enough to be committed to the one thing destiny brings us and that's family. To say that you are glad with your decision to leave a seven year old boy whom you promised to never leave again. Disgusting. To leave without compromise or trying to see if there was an answer to solve it all. To say I love you to death but.. Maybe my ultimatum was not the best decision, but made out of fear. To leave a home where no matter how angry or how sad, you were loved. You had what you needed, but the responsibility of being a good person, father and partner in life, isn't who you are. You were at times at your best as what you could whole heartily allow. For you cannot make promises you can never keep. 

I find my heart aches. I grieve. I cry when no one is looking. I grit my teeth to hold it in. I will miss your smell. I will miss hearing the words mom and dad under the same roof. I miss you wanting your Cinabuns you call them on Saturday mornings. I will miss not celebrating birthdays together. I will miss our talking about our son's first home run or his first real date. I will miss not sharing the pride together of raising a good man. Everything he will accomplish, we will experience separately. Growing old together. I miss you. We miss you.

But I do not miss not knowing where you are. I do not miss the compulsive lies. I do not miss wondering if you are alive or dead when you decide not to come home. I do not miss the obnoxious 3 am drunken nights that spread until the morning. I do not miss having to explain to our son why you did not come home. I do not miss hearing the multiple stories of bar fights and thanking God afterwards your okay. I do not miss knowing that you cheated again. I do not miss that you could not be a family man and support your family fully. I do not miss begging for your attention. I do not miss our son wanting your attention

I say this. I am not perfect. I said and did things I should not have. But I never wanted three to become two. It's so sad that one can forgive but the other runs away. I fought. I fought for you. But you never fought. I fought for my family. I ultimately lost. I lost my soul mate. My son receives a part time father unable to look into his eyes everyday and every night before bed. I lost my sense of self. Did I fail? Maybe. Did I make the wrong choices? I do not know. Did you make the wrong choice? You're true heart will tell you that answer one day when your alone, away from your friends, when the wind hits you in the face and takes your breath away and you feel like you have been punched in the gut.

There is a line in a movie that I love in which the character says, "I gave my heart away a long time ago, my whole heart and I really never got it back." I do not know what our future holds. I do not know how many times I will promise my son, I will never leave for he asks me why his father promised not to leave again. I know it's been not fully explained, but the question is, was it really a good enough reason? I do not have the answers. But I know I am changed. I have to start over. Start over. I have to smile when I do not want too. I have to hide when I do not want to hide. I have to be ashamed and embarrassed when I just want to feel loved. I do not want to be a statistic. 

So I hope that someday my son finds a role model in his life that will provide those things for him. I pray that he grows up not like his mother or his father but his own individual for the example we have set has not been the white picket fence. But I know that I do everything in my power to be his mommy. I hope that he knows a love where he means saying the words, that he wraps his arms around someone and he knows that no matter what they love him back. I hope that he learns that relationships are kind, deserving and special. I hope I can pick up the pieces and hug you more, kiss you more and say I love just one more time every day. I hope he knows that no matter what me and his father made him and I will never be unselfishly kind to God, for that was the one thing I know as real.

So, I move on. You are not here to protect us. I fill the empty spaces with new things. The tears will eventually subside but for now much needed. My heart will half way heal but for now it's hurt and angry. Our son will learn to accept it but probably not fully now. I know people will judge but will never know both sides. I know I take responsibility for my actions. I know that friends will come and go, but sides are always taken. There will be those who will not understand but will one day. For the cruel and disregard for me, please think of my son. He has done nothing wrong. He doesn't need to see my tears nor his father actions. He needs peace. I need peace. For the last time, I say I am sorry. I truly love you. My wish is that this family is healed with true unconditional love one day.

Thank you all for being patient. For those who sent the texts and emails. My heart is humbled by your friendships. To my true friends and family, my cup runneth over.


Dusty

45 comments:

  1. Oh Dusty I am so sorry you're going through this. wow, so much on your plate right now. You're a great person & a great mom you will get through this. Send me an email if you want someone to listen/vent to etc. hang in there.

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  2. Sending positive thoughts your way. You're strong. You can do this. :(

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  3. My heart is going out to you and your son Dusty, I'm sorry that you are both going through this. Take gentle care.

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  4. Dusty, I'm so sorry. :( I have been thinking about you and wondered where you were. I'm sorry I didn't send that email...I went to your about me page to see if you had an email so I could send you a message and didn't. :( Big huge hugs. My heart breaks for you and your son. If you need anything, please feel free to contact me...maymommy35@comcast.net.

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  5. Dusty. I don't even know where to begin. All I can say is I need to talk to you. Like, really bad.

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  6. Dusty, I don't know you well, being a semi-new follower of your blog, but I am so, SO sorry to read about what you're going through. Many thoughts and prayers coming to you and your son, and may you find a peace that passes understanding.

    Shannan

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  7. I may not personally know you... I may have never met you. I may be a new reader of your world, But from reading your blog for a month, I feel like I do know you :) No one deserves this to ever happen to them, ever. My thoughts are with you, truly. Courage, Perseverance, Love. You shall prevail. If not for any other reason, than that is what great women do.

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  8. Dusty, I've missed you and i knew something was up. I curse my "gut instincts", thats why i sent you email last week. Come to Dallas now and lets drink lots of wine and your precious son can go riding on the Harley with my Honey while we cry and eat cupcakes and chips or whatever is in the house. Big Hugs sweet girl. I just dont know what else to say that doesnt sound cliche. This sucks and i hate that you're hurting.

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  9. Oh my dear sweet friend. I am so sorry you have to go through this. But I know you and I know your strength. You will get through this and be so much better for it. Love you girl.

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  10. Dusty I am so sorry. You and your kiddo deserve happiness and not to live in fear of when/if someone is coming home. I am praying for your strength at this time and that you can find peace.

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  11. Dusty my heart aches for you and your son. I truly have enjoyed reading your blog and I think this POST was amazing - despite the awful truth. You are an amazing person, amazing mother {i gather all of this just from the blog}! I admire you! You are strong and you will never let that little man down or yourself!!!!

    Wishing you the best lemonade out of these lemons!

    Sharee'
    www.momFITtingitallin.com

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  12. Dusty,

    I have no words of comfort. I sit here silently with my heart swelling ever so high in my chest. I know you are incredibly loved by many, while you struggle with a weight so heavy to carry.. you were sending out gifts to friends.. you compassion is beautiful.. But above all this, if only I could.. I would come over and sit by you. Fill those spaces.

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  13. Take a deep breath and know that you and your son will be okay. Enjoy your moments with your son and live life to it's fullest! I pray for the both of you to find peace.

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  14. Bravery. Extreme Bravery is what I read through this entire post and story. "You are Braver than you think, and Stronger than you know". me loves you. If you need anything from a girl in Oregon, just let me know.

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  15. Dusty,

    All I know is, is that it is OK for your heart to be broken. In just reading this post, a love grew for you within me and I wanted to run to TN to mend the sorrow. And yet, to witness your testimony to motherhood, to God, to feel your strength, I am uplifted.

    How did you do that?

    You are an amazing woman with a beautiful child and the funniest funny bone in the world. I pray for you with earnest heart, that your family be mended as you asked. But if it comes not to pass, that you and your sons heart be mended to perfection regardless...not by man but by our Lord.

    All my love. You have my info. Let me know if you need a stitch.

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  16. Dusty- I've got chills over here. I want to hug you and your baby and then punch someone for hurting you two. You have to be one of the sweetest and most caring ladies out there, and I am just shocked that someone could be so cruel! I know you're extremely tough, how do I know? Because you have been there for me when I've gone through something I thought for sure would break me. Here I am one day at at time moving forward, because people have believed in me. You have believed in me :)

    Thank you so much, if you ever need to vent, or just for someone to make you laugh- I'm here :) Sending so much love and hugs your way <3

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  17. Sending lots of good thoughts your way x

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  18. Dusty, I am so so sorry! I am sorry you have to go through this. I am sorry I did not know. I'm sorry I have not been there for you. This post brought tears to my eyes. You are a strong, brave woman and you will make it through this. I love you and I'm always here if you want to talk.

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  19. Oh, my Dusty. My heart aches for you and your son but what you did was so right. If you need to vent or rant, please send it my way. I'd be happy to be a virtual shoulder for you.

    You are strong and you will be okay. Both of you. Sending you so much love!

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  20. We are thinking about you! Hold on to your son. You are one strong woman!

    Jayme & Mendi @ Her Late Night Cravings

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  21. DUSTY! I'm so sorry to hear about this heartache you are suffering through! I love you with all my heart! I don't have your number or else I would text you. If you need me to make a trip to nashvegas you just say the word and I will come running. You are awesome! And I know you will be an amazing rock for your sweet son. Prayers & hugs!

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  22. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am sending happy vibes your way!

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  23. My dear beautiful friend...I love you.

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  24. You are a brave, beautiful and bad ass woman. I love you with all of my heart and know that I am here. I have been thinking about you and Ian all weekend and day. Stay strong and know that the loved ones around you will lift you up through this shitty time!! BIG GINORMOUS hugs!!

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  25. Oh Dusty... this is such an awful thing to go through. But you know.. you are still a beautiful and funny girl. No wone takes those things away from you. I was raised by a single mom with a crappy dad who was in my life during his "alloted" times. But I do no think I was raised in a "broken home." My mom, my sister and I were not a statistic. We are the happiest three girls I know. If your man was only substracting from what you brought to the family table then you are better off with out him and you will be just fine. Call me if you want to chat. Me and my mom LOVE you. She will be sad to miss your funny comments on my blog so please bounce back asap.

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  26. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. You're in my thoughts during this difficult time. Keep your head up, girl!

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  27. Dusty, I don't really know you (and you don't know me at all),but I have read your blog for a while now. I can't imagine how you are feeling, but I do know you are a stong and brave woman. Is it bad that I want to punch him in the throat? I also offer prayers for peace and understanding. One day at a time, one minute at a time, one breath at a time, what ever it takes to get through. If you want to vent, or anything, you can email me at hillarykey@yahoo.com. Love and hugs.

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  28. You have laid bare your soul and my heart aches for you. I've been there. You will come through and you will be stronger. God bless you and your son. Kathy
    ribqueen1965@yahoo.com

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  29. My dear friend, you are strong. Stronger than you know. My heart breaks for you, but it also holds hope that you will find the beauty in this challenge. We're all here for you, cheering you on. I hope you find the peace that you are so deserving of.

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  30. Please do not feel like a failure. No, you aren't perfect, nobody is... but you did everything you could to make this work, to be the best wife, mother, friend, role model, and support that you could be for your family. I hope that as time starts to ease your pain, that the purpose for all of this devastation reveals itself. I hope that from this, you and your son both learn, grow, and become better for this trial. I love ya, girl.

    Heck, I'll come be your soul mate if you want.

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  31. You are not failure. You and your son obviously deserve better. You are strong and I know you will get through this. I wish you nothing but the best and I'll be thinking of you.

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  32. I was so confused by your text yesterday, and I got so busy with work that I never got around to seeing if you were ok. And then I read this today and got so PISSED for you. Not at you, but at him. What a coward. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you like I should have been, but know that I'm here. I've decided that you and Ian need a change and should move to NC. Just a thought. I also know with all of my heart, he never deserved you.

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  33. No one is perfect. But you are a wonderful mother and that is something you should always know and believe in your heart. Be sad and be angry, you deserve to feel those emotions. But know that this is just a new beginning for you and your son and that you both will be ok.

    I'm sorry that I am only now reading this. I feel like a bad blog friend. Please let me know if you need anything! :)

    xo, Yi-chia

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  34. I love you!!! Let me know if there's absolutely anything I can do!! You and your son deserve the world!

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  35. I love you so, I emailed you, you are the best and you deserve the world xoxo

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  36. I'm new here but I hope you get through this easily. Based on the comments, it looks like there are so many people who love you. :) Smile girl, like they say, there's no way to go but up from here.

    xo,
    janmloves.blogspot.com

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  37. I adore you Dusty. And you are a kick-ass woman who deserves only the best. I just wrote something on monday that mentioned how time {helps} heal all wounds and to give time ... time. I remember my parents' divorce and the only thing that helped was just that. Time. And friends. And family. We are all here for you. You have a very large family. :) Thinking of you, my snotty dog-lovin' friend.

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  38. What a profound post Dusty. I am so sorry that you and your son have had to weather that storm... I went through something very similar, however there was no child involved. I agree with you that it can only be described as disgusting.
    I know this is easier said than done...but KNOW that there are great men out there and one day you will meet one who is going to be the BEST role model for your lil' man.
    XO - Marion
    ps - any he's 40?! Yeah...that isn't a maturity issue. That is a personality issue.

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  39. My heart hurts so badly for you, friend - it sounds like you've been to hell and back a dozen times over, and no one should be treated that way. Wishing lots of peace to come your way. xoxoxo

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  40. I had found your blog when Nikki at the pink growl had you as a guest post. I remember laughing and saying I need to remember her name. Tonight when I went on Nikki's page to wish her pup a happy bday, I saw your blog pic on the side. I clicked and I'm so happy I did. What an awesome post. As I was reading it, I heard a strong woman and a perfect mother. Keep on trucking ;)

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  41. Oh Dusty, my heart is just hurting so much for you right now. I'm so very sorry for what you are going through... Know that you are loved, you are strong, beautiful, and an amazing mama. You're in my thoughts & prayers, let me know if you ever need anything. You're gonna get through this. Love you!

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  42. Love love love the post:)

    http://theprintedsea.blogspot.de/

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  43. I left you an award on my blog! :)

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  44. You are still fabulous. Now get back to bloggin!

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