The Lost Goodbye

As many times I have tried to write this post, I have erased it. As many times as I have tried to put into words for days they did not come. I have closed my eyes a hundred times and tried to wake up to see if it was not real. The truth is, it is real. Let me take you back one week.

Last Friday night, there was no sleep. I lie in bed and wonder. The anger intensified by the exhaust and on Saturday morning the release of months of why, what for and how come? Then came the choice to choose for I could not take the fear, the worry, the explaining. The choice of what I thought could be the road to a better place, unfortunately not. It was another lie. Three days later, a normal Monday. Work, school, the thought of what is for dinner and then late after noon where those words.."Oh, by the way, I moved." Just like that without warning. He was gone without facing us. One phone call. A phone call. I rushed to my child, not telling him what happened. We walk into our house and there it was. Silence. Empty rooms. Nothing. In a matter of hours, we became a statistic. No good bye's. No I am sorry. No discussion. Silence. Then tears. I hold my son and promise it will be okay. 

The facts are simple but make no sense. I am not perfect, but I try to live my life and surround myself with people that are good. I am not one of influence. I have never been a follower. I believe in soul mates and I believe that you can love in good and bad. I believe in unselfish acts. I believe you give to those who love you and not beat them down. I believe that you do not run away from your problems. I believe that cheating is evil. I believe that anything can be unbroken and mended. I believe in respect and I believe in family. He had for all reason believed in none. 

I forgave the multiple cheating which devastated me and my child and at one time sent me into a dark hole that took months to come out. I forgave the words in which I thrust upon him, myself out of anger for which I cannot take back. I forgave the selfishness and the lack of attention for both of us. I forgave. But all he does is run.

This isn't the first time. It's a pattern. But this time the choice was easy his friends or his family. For him, the choice was his friends. His words to me, "I want to be able to have fun with my friends and see my son on my allotted time." Alloted Time. His words to me, "your too controlling, I am glad about my decision." 

My answers to this are simple. At 40 years old, when do you grow up? In his world maybe never or not enough to be committed to the one thing destiny brings us and that's family. To say that you are glad with your decision to leave a seven year old boy whom you promised to never leave again. Disgusting. To leave without compromise or trying to see if there was an answer to solve it all. To say I love you to death but.. Maybe my ultimatum was not the best decision, but made out of fear. To leave a home where no matter how angry or how sad, you were loved. You had what you needed, but the responsibility of being a good person, father and partner in life, isn't who you are. You were at times at your best as what you could whole heartily allow. For you cannot make promises you can never keep. 

I find my heart aches. I grieve. I cry when no one is looking. I grit my teeth to hold it in. I will miss your smell. I will miss hearing the words mom and dad under the same roof. I miss you wanting your Cinabuns you call them on Saturday mornings. I will miss not celebrating birthdays together. I will miss our talking about our son's first home run or his first real date. I will miss not sharing the pride together of raising a good man. Everything he will accomplish, we will experience separately. Growing old together. I miss you. We miss you.

But I do not miss not knowing where you are. I do not miss the compulsive lies. I do not miss wondering if you are alive or dead when you decide not to come home. I do not miss the obnoxious 3 am drunken nights that spread until the morning. I do not miss having to explain to our son why you did not come home. I do not miss hearing the multiple stories of bar fights and thanking God afterwards your okay. I do not miss knowing that you cheated again. I do not miss that you could not be a family man and support your family fully. I do not miss begging for your attention. I do not miss our son wanting your attention. 

I say this. I am not perfect. I said and did things I should not have. But I never wanted three to become two. It's so sad that one can forgive but the other runs away. I fought. I fought for you. But you never fought. I fought for my family. I ultimately lost. I lost my soul mate. My son receives a part time father unable to look into his eyes everyday and every night before bed. I lost my sense of self. Did I fail? Maybe. Did I make the wrong choices? I do not know. Did you make the wrong choice? You're true heart will tell you that answer one day when your alone, away from your friends, when the wind hits you in the face and takes your breath away and you feel like you have been punched in the gut.

There is a line in a movie that I love in which the character says, "I gave my heart away a long time ago, my whole heart and I really never got it back." I do not know what our future holds. I do not know how many times I will promise my son, I will never leave for he asks me why his father promised not to leave again. I know it's been not fully explained, but the question is, was it really a good enough reason? I do not have the answers. But I know I am changed. I have to start over. Start over. I have to smile when I do not want too. I have to hide when I do not want to hide. I have to be ashamed and embarrassed when I just want to feel loved. I do not want to be a statistic. 

So I hope that someday my son finds a role model in his life that will provide those things for him. I pray that he grows up not like his mother or his father but his own individual for the example we have set has not been the white picket fence. But I know that I do everything in my power to be his mommy. I hope that he knows a love where he means saying the words, that he wraps his arms around someone and he knows that no matter what they love him back. I hope that he learns that relationships are kind, deserving and special. I hope I can pick up the pieces and hug you more, kiss you more and say I love just one more time every day. I hope he knows that no matter what me and his father made him and I will never be unselfishly kind to God, for that was the one thing I know as real.

So, I move on. You are not here to protect us. I fill the empty spaces with new things. The tears will eventually subside but for now much needed. My heart will half way heal but for now it's hurt and angry. Our son will learn to accept it but probably not fully now. I know people will judge but will never know both sides. I know I take responsibility for my actions. I know that friends will come and go, but sides are always taken. There will be those who will not understand but will one day. For the cruel and disregard for me, please think of my son. He has done nothing wrong. He doesn't need to see my tears nor his father actions. He needs peace. I need peace. For the last time, I say I am sorry. I truly love you. My wish is that this family is healed with true unconditional love one day.

Thank you all for being patient. For those who sent the texts and emails. My heart is humbled by your friendships. To my true friends and family, my cup runneth over.

Dusty