Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Booty No So Licious


Recently I have felt the urge to clean and declutter. This usually isn't a good sign in my house because it means I throw out things that probably shouldn't enter the dump zone, but oh, well, see ya later. I also have had this heavy heart about the hurricane victims and their needs, but then I also think about the people around me that struggle every day without a national disaster.

So, I was doing laundry Sunday and notice that a few of my drawers, okay the undies drawer, was a little overfull. I have no clue why, I wear the same 10 pair in rotation after washing. You all know I refuse to wear thongs, so I wondered what in the world that could be making this drawer a tight fit. I pulled it all the way out and discovered mounds of underwear from when I was super skinny to pregnancy until now. I am not a hoarder. I have no idea why they were in there, but then I came across three pairs of these cotton like shorts from Victoria's Secret.

Hmm, I obviously bought these for a reason. I obviously had the money to purchase them. I obviously figured out why I never wore them. It clicked. I did wear one pair, one time. See back in the day, it was the style to either go commando or see your panty lines. I chose neither at that time. My wassa naked in blue jeans with a zipper doesn't sound sexy. You need to provide some type of knight and shining armour for these parts. I thought that these booty shorts would be great for no lines. You know Dirty Sexy Cool for a girl out "in da club."

I am stupid. My ass couldn't handle all that material. My butt cheeks hung out the sides. Even at 115 pounds I had a little puff in my tuff. So all they did  was roll up to the center of my crack and then for hours on end until I got home, I became a sumo wrestler. And of course, I walked like I had a wine cork up my butt in a make shift diaper thanks to the careful planning of VS. There are only so many times you can pull your pants out of your crack with normal underwear, but having to roll out the booty shorts one leg at a time takes strategic planning. It's a covert operation to try and get the homemade washrag out of your hind parts, then set back down and not move until time to go home. I am pretty sure I  gave up and just stuck my hands down the back of my pants and pulled it out. Don't worry I did it in the most lady like way possible. Probably not.

As I look at these booty suckers, I think for at least a hot minute I will keep them. Since I am venturing out into single land, I may want to feel hot snot. I tried them on.  Looked in the mirror and after 10 plus years of these things being in my drawer, I looked like a Spaniard in a Speedo. It was a sight for sore eyes. Hell, even my own corneas couldn't handle it. I turned to the side and realized I looked like a well done burger with Swiss cheese. I forgot to apply self tanner to the back of my legs. Jillian Michaels would sign me up for some type of bootcamp that required a reversal IV of the intake of fat the last years of my life.

I peeled them off, decided that $30 smacks for underwear at the time, provided so many wonderful memories that I put them in my cleaning basket. I love fancy dust rags and hot damn if I just didn't create a do it yourself project. How to take your old booty shorts and make them into cleaning supplies. Where do I sign up for Shark Tank?

Happy Tuesday,
Dusty

25 comments:

  1. DYING!!!
    I am the exact same way, I hoard underwear that I never wear!! And HELL NO!! I don't wear thongs!! I cannot take a permanent wedgie.
    I hear ya sister, on all levels of this convo, now if you will excuse me, I am off to clean out my underwear drawer. Thanks for the inspiration.

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  2. cracking up!! I tell you. ALso - I HATE g-string and I hate when My ass eats up my undies :)

    Good decision to reuse :)

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  3. I love your ingenuity and the "repurposing" of your undies! I do wear a thong occasionally but they have to be the wide strap. The ones with the strings in the back are like wearing razor blades on my a*s all day. I also noticed at my favorite thrift store that they collect underwear. Not sure how i feel about that.

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  4. Haha, you crack me up! Ha, get it? Ok moving on... I also hoard underwear. And like you, there are about 10-15 that I wear on rotation. The others are just sitting there, taking up space. I dunno why. Maybe because I have trouble letting go of my youth??

    xo, Yi-chia

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  5. I love your descriptions and that you turned them in to cleaning cloths! I need to take your lead and tidy out my draws, they are a mess.

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  6. hahhhaah shark tank...love that reference. But keep them girl!! Rock them!! And I am like you, my panty drawer is OVERFLOWING and last week I tossed out some undies it felt good!

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  7. hahaha I love this post and you! :) I also have the urge to declutter and get rid of crap.

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  8. I seriiously just flacshed back to myself from a few weeks ago hiding between two cars in the parking lot. While my hubby made sure no one was looking, I picked the bigged wedgie ever by putting my hand down the back of my pants! What relief it was! Ahhhh!

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  9. HAHAHAHA! Oh how I've missed you!

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  10. Haha oh dusty! I think the solution is to only wear boyshorts under skirts & dresses!

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  11. Haha!!! Yes, my drawer looks just about the same!! Fancy schmancy cleaning rags :) I too have tried modeling some oldies and shuttered at my self in the mirror!! What in the world were we thinking?

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  12. oh my goodness - stop it. hilarious!!

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  13. You should totally just wear them around the house to feel like a hot snot whenever you want!!!

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  14. hahahaha. I LOVE YOUR HUMOR. i think because it's similar to mine. you are awesome.

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  15. This is KILLING me! Seriously! I threw some of those bitches away not long ago, what the eff are they even for? My husband never liked them and I know my ass didn't. I wish I had thought about using them as cleaning supplies. Brilliant!

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  16. girlfriend, booty shorts don't fit over my booty! Not a joke. I'm so jeals of girls with little bums that can wear those darn things! I got way too much "tuff in my puff" hahahahha you kill me, D. ;)

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  17. I'm literally going to pause my commenting so I can go pee, because you made me giggle too much...

    ...okay. I would like to make a formal request that the booty shorts make an appearance in the Bon Jovi video you just promised me. YOU PROMISED.

    I have been throwing away stuff for weeks now, 18 pairs of undies included. I'm so chunky right now that some of my thongs disappear into my love handles. What a sight.

    And, we are getting you on team thong.

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  18. I went through a major Vitoria Secret phase when I moved out. I don't know why. I had never really cared about underwear much, but I spent hundreds over a couple years there.

    I wear pretty much all of them. excpet for the booty short ones for the specific reason that they go straight up my crack.

    I'll take the thong. less fabric.

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  19. But everyone's gotta have a good pair of booty shorts!

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  20. I think I've now discovered the source of your 'roid issues. You're welcome. Love, the lady with the really deep butt that eats all underwear and I'd rather have a thongs width of fabric than a yard of it up there.

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  21. Hahahaha!!!! Thanks for the laugh! I think you should keep at least one pair!

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  22. Oh you kill me, you kill me.

    I couldn't help but think of your hemroids. i was powerless.

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  23. That is a very innovative use for wedgie undies. I usually rip apart t-shirts for that.

    ...Then again, most of my mom's cleaning rags are old cloth diapers. Since you likened these undies to diapers, I can only conceive of the fact that you and my mother are of the same mind.

    Panty lines over wedgies any day.

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  24. Bhahaha...I am finally seeing Dusty come back with a BANG! This is freaking hilarious...and girl, you should see my panty drawer...yep, still have some from my preggo days too...and I do have a pair or two of the booty shorts and YES, they ride up more than a thong...

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