Status after I about died twice working out.."After completing 120 jumping jacks, I now feel like an Olympic athlete." I proclaim, I really didn't die twice. Boom!
Status on a Friday when I wished it was like Friday afternoon, "Someday's all I want to do is reenact the prom dance scene from the movie Footloose." I proclaim, Aerial, the preachers daughter was a real slut. Boom!
Tweets of the week, "OMG! You know what would be so cool to see? Taylor Swift with a tan!" I proclaim, white girl problems! Boom!
"OMG! You know what would be so cool to see? Angelina Jolie with a tan!" I proclaim, see above! Boom! Boom!
"Have you ever gotten a cramp in your chin? Me neither." I proclaim, I was bored. Boom!
I love honeymoon pictures. Seeing you on a beach with a fruity drink, tan, kissing your new husband. I proclaim, You neglected your birth control, in 9 months your going to be a new mommy and your Michael Kors watch will become a teething tool. Boom!
I love reading your wedding in 12 different parts. It's not like I need to go slop the hogs or anything. And all we really want to see is what your dress looked like and who got drunk and made an ass of themselves. But nooo! You never tell that part do you? It takes you twelve posts of breaking it all down for us. Like graduation night and reading every kid's name to receive their diploma. Maybe I need a pie and organizational chart to understand. I proclaim, Just get to the good part, the reception. Ain't nobody got time for that other shit. Boom!
The Alley way
My dog Libby and I have both been on our periods. There's only room for one bitch in this household and that's me. I proclaim, I win because the other bitch is wearing a diaper! Boom!
Thursday's out, Boom!