Tuesday, March 5, 2013

It's A Fact Jack!

There are so many things I love about being southern. Although there is a great misconception. I am still trying to figure out why? I mean where else could you have Swamp People, Duck Dynasty and Honey Boo Boo? I can't see where people in other parts of the country would get that southern people are rednecks, do you? Jerks. 

I mean where else do people take a deer and make it into twelve gourmet meals. You have deer chili, deer stew, deer steak, deer spaghetti, deer roast, deer jerky and deer sausage. Kill alligators, squirrels, rattlesnakes and whip up some frog legs and we will claim it tastes like chicken. Bobby Flay my ass.

You go up North and ask for sweet tea and they look at you like popped a lens out of your Ray Bans. Believe me I did this once or twice. But if you don't have sweet tea in the fridge then its the Anti-Christ. Life as you know it is over. People with diabetes will soon die. 

Other parts of the country people eat their eggs with some dude named Benedict. Here we slap on some ketchup and gulp it up. I mean ketchup is the secret sauce in these here parts.

We can make a god damn pie out of anything. Apples, peaches, pears, cherries, chocolate, lemons, pecans, chess and dirt. And if there is a cook out instead of making it round, we might throw it in a 9" x 13" baking pan and call it cobbler just to fake you out.

If you ask people what the national anthem is they will tell you any Lynyrd Skynyrd song and stand up, take their hats off and more than likely have some obnoxious yelling in the background. It's our way of ad-libbing a song. I mean who really needs a song celebrating our country that you can't dance too. Have you ever tried to two step to the Star Spangled Banner? I think not.

We are also handy people. We take old school buses and turn them into fine homes. At one time or another it's every girls dream in the South to get past second base on a school bus, so daddy moved us in.

It's nothing if you lose a tooth, just means you can sip through a straw better. Seriously, it's called a tooth brush not a teeth brush. 

I have never understood the fight between the North and South. You mother fuckers up North win. Why? Because we are down here sweating our balls off killing alligators, whippin' up pies, honky tonkin', and decorating our new trailer on wheels with a confederate flag as a bed spread. You bitches are all frozen and preserved which kept at a slightly cooler temperature will be able to thaw in the spring and live to tell about it. We are all dead by then from massive heart attacks from doing all the above. We even make love in grease. 

Shi-yut people! I rest my case that the South will rise again.. Sweet Home Alabama. Where the skies are so blue..every one show some respect. Where can I sign up to work at the Chamber of Commerce?

Happy Tuesday,
Dusty


20 comments:

  1. pieeee <3 however as a vegetarian I don't think I could ever live there!

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  2. Darn tootin the South will rise again!! The Northerners always have their knickers in a knot and who likes to see a hissy fit?! Dang snake in the grass was so poor they had a tumbleweed as a pet. Bless their hearts!!! I just love our Southern expressions. Proud to be a GRIT (girl raised in the south).

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  3. hahahahahaha omg. this is just freaking perfect. a "tooth" brush. yes. and some guy named benedict? this just really made my day.

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  4. I have always eaten my eggs with ketchup. Always. Does this mean I'm a southerner at heart?

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  5. I love you more today than I ever have before. :)

    I'm Midwest here in Missouri...BUT I'm from a small southern town so everything you said here applies to me.

    And, sweet tea is my favorite. Forever.

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  6. I got past second base on a school bus. =)
    You're my favorite.

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  7. We love eating our eggs with Benedict. My husband used to put ketchup on it, but he has now moved on to tobasco sauce... he puts it on EVERYTHING.

    xo, Yi-chia

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  8. this is the most American thing I've read all day.
    I would like to think here in the west we maybe have a little of both North and South?

    and Fry Sauce is the secret sauce here. and it's half ketchup. I'm not going to say the other ingredient because it will make Alissa gag.

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  9. YES!!!! I absolutely love this and I loved living in the South.

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  10. i think southern people and i will be the best of friends.

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  11. 'Seriously, it's called a tooth brush not a teeth brush.'

    Love it! I want to visit the South so much. Especially when my teeth do start to fall out from all the sweets I eat!

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  12. "they look at you like popped a lens out of your Ray Bans" LOL you Southern's sound like you have a good ol time. Loved this post!

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  13. I would love to see you wrestle an alligator. Can we make that happen?

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  14. You are my freakin hero! This is just amazing! Don't fo git we eat grits and they eat some kind of cream of wheat stuff...not fo dis white girl! I like my grits with some grape jelly and bacon!

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  15. I'm not going to lie...I love venision. The husband of ex is a hunter, so I've been eating deer meat (over cows) for years now...mostly because it's in the freezer already. So be aware...if you come over for dinner and I cook you something that looks like ground beef...it's not.

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  16. here in the southwest, salsa is our ketchup. No flipping joke, it's just how it is here.

    I wouldn't last 6 months in the south. I would have a heart attack from all of the fried and sugary glory.

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  17. I'd love to visit the south one day.

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  18. Duck Dynasty has taught me a great deal about your kind.

    South Carolina taught me that maybe.. just maybe the south isn't for me;)

    But you teach me, that it could make one hell of a fattening, hilarious vacation.

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  19. I think I might be Southern. I like monograms, sweet tea and definitely eat my eggs with ketchup.

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  20. Oh how I miss living in the South. People in Colorado are a bunch of hippies, and could never appreciate sipping a straw through a missing tooth...losers.

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