I wonder

There are days when I feel just like a robot. Same ole same ole every single day. Get up and ready, tend to the kid, work, come home, dinner, chores, bed and wake up and do it all over again. I often daydream. I think we all do. It’s like, when I can’t go shopping because the monthly bills are due and I really would like something new, I still go, just to window shop. I love to window shop. I often can be satisfied, if I just go in, look at the items, try them on then leave. Although it makes me want them even  more, I know there will be a day when the sale rack calls my name.

I used to have a well paying job where I didn’t have to worry the stress if I bought a new pair of shoes, but since the recession, that’s not the case. Everyone’s needs always come before mine. I did just recently by a few things, but with gift cards and a little tax money, I got a few things I have been dreaming about, with the exception of those Navy mid-calf Hunter Boots which you will hear about until they arrive on my doorstep.

I wonder what it would be like to have all the money in the world, then I could live like a soap opera star. Get up, go to the gym, hit the mall on the way home and not stress about saving my money because some bill is due. Hell, who am I kidding, with all the money in the world, I could ditch the gym and have some plastic surgeon suck the fat out of fluffy and I would be tight as an unused rubber band.

I wonder what it would like to be tall, so I wouldn’t have to have every pair of pants altered. Most of the time I don’t. If mom can’t do it then I just let them drag the floor or wear heels. The worn look I tell myself is in.

I wonder what it would be like to dye my hair back to its natural color, dark ash brown. I have tried once but it freaked me out because I have highlighted my hair so much I felt like a different person. But I see these women with this beautiful dark hair and it’s shiny, tossing it around like a high priced hair shampoo commercial and I think, oh, the less maintenance would be nice.

I wonder what it would be like to have brown eyes and boobs. I have family members that have dark eyes. They are so intense. I have family members that have big kahoona’s. They say they hate them, I just want to try them just once.

I wonder what its like to be a PTA mom. I will never be a PTA mom. I don’t like clicks. I cuss too much. Baby daddy got too many tattoos and looks like a walking coloring book, we wouldn’t fit in with those type of people, that their every breath is what little Johnny does every second of the day. I want Ian to grow up being humble. We praise him, but I want him to live in HIS world not a fantasy world I create for image purposes only. So much of that goes on now. I love my son more than anything, but I got a life. But I know I will never be atop the phone tree.

I guess I could wonder all day long but the facts are these. I am happy. My life isn’t perfect. People aren’t always accepting, I have the necessary things I need. My body is my own temple how I nurture it is my own conflict with my head and getting off my ass (see I cussed). How I look is the way I was born. If people find me beautiful then I am in awe of that. I am not conceded, nor vain. But I am proud that I am not Cinderella by day or night. So, I guess for me I can wonder all I want and its okay because the mirror reflects me and what I see is, Dusty de.

What do you ever wonder? Does it ever cross your mind, but you realize it’s OK, just to be who you are? Let me hear your daydreams.

Hugs,

Dusty