Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Sounds like a personal problem

Ok, so I am going to write a post about something very personal. I don’t know how many of you have ever experienced it, but I am going to go there with it because not only is it hurtful, its kind of funny.  A few weeks ago I got violently ill. On top of praising to the porcelain god and calling him Ralph, I also praised him with the toots of what I am sure was a tuba in the marching band. After all that happened, I noticed that something wasn’t right. Setting at my desk one day I got very uncomfortable. I felt like I had a stick poking out of my butt. I squirmed and couldn’t get comfortable. After talking with “Duh”, he said, “honey, I think you have a hemorrhoid.” I was like oh, no. I was pregnant, swollen up like a whale, gained 40 pounds and walked like a duck, and didn’t get those things.  I pride myself on being the only pregnant girl who didn’t.  I said, “no you have hemorrhoids’, not me.” Yes, he has had hemmalites as my son calls them since he was young. Once when I got so pissed off at him I knew the only way I could get him back was to put rubbing alcohol in his precious bottle of Tucks pads. The poor guy came out of the bathroom running around the house saying his ass was on fire and I had to get in my car, drive down the street and call my BFF because that was the ultimate revenge. Needless to say, I was proud of myself and have always been proud that I can have every ailment there could be at one time or another but dangling butt ornaments weren’t one of them.

Fast forward a few weeks later and I was setting at work and all of the sudden it came again. I absolutely couldn’t stand myself. I gave in to the possibility and at lunch rushed to the local pharmacy and there it began. The shelves of butthole relief. I picked up every package. Read it. It wasn’t like maxi pads. There was no heavy, light, and medium flow. No super, panty liner or overnight selection. It was buy me and insert into anal area. I mean “anal area” it sounds so volatile. I decided on Prep H because it’s been around for 100 years. I mean they must be doing something right. I went back applied and went back to my chair.

As the day went on, I became a 3 year old, squirming in a shopping cart at the grocery ready to get out. I sat to the side, on my legs, stood up and down. I mean if someone was paying attention it might look like I was giving a sermon on Sunday because all I kept saying was, “oh, gawd, this is awful.”  UP down, up down. I call my husband, he intern keeps telling me the same thing; when you get home insert bullet and go lie down because you will have leakage. LEAKAGE! YOU DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT LEAKAGE! Screw him, I call my friend, W and she then tells me the same thing. After thinking there could be a possible conspiracy between the two of them, I hang up and think why in the world couldn’t I have gotten like a boil on my butt cheek, or a tumor growing out of my forehead? Why is it that I have to have the forbidden condition of hemorrhoids’.  I want to call the doctor but I don’t want to have to answer to the lady that answers the phone, “Yes, I’d like to make an appointment to see the doctor.” “What’s the nature of your visit?” “I have dangling death hanging out my ass!” Ugh, seriously I am not equipped.

As I write this, I don’t know what the outcome will be. I have pulled out the package of bullets, read it, and although the sound of relief is like dancing fairies in my head, I am not sure what I will do. Yes, it’s probably a lot of information, and you are thinking, she did go there, but you know we all experience something in our lives that is probably forbidden to talk about. But really, we’re friends right? Sharing is a beautiful thing. I just became Dr. Oz didn’t I? No matter what, I gotta do something. I gotta set on fluffy all day and the feeling of blazing knives being extended from “the region” isn’t as fun as the magic show and some nice girl throwing them. It’s life. I got a condition.. literally a pain in my ass!

Happy Wednesday friends!


  1. You are too funny!! I'm sure there are tons of us who have them, but none of us who ever talk about them... good for you for bringing the subject to the surface and for turning it into a funny topic when in reality it stinks!!! (puns intended!)

  2. You have made me laugh! So thank you. People don't really talk about hemorrhoids, but I'm glad were friends and we can talk about it. haha.

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  3. I was laughing through this whole post! hahaha but really I'm sorry that your bum hurts. It does sound miserable!

  4. You make the worst thing ever so hilarious. I'm glad you can always look on a brighter side and not be just "bah humbug" about it!!

  5. noooooooooooooo.....dusty!!!!! that sucks!!!! hey at least you are making light of a "crappy" situation! ugh the human body sucks sometimes

  6. I love you more and more with every post.

    I can honestly say I've never thought to pray for someones ass.. Big day.

  7. I like personal posts. I hope you feel better. I know that howard stern talk about hemorrhoids, and they sound terrible. So if I were you, i'd stick the bullet up my ass... go get em girl!

  8. Jesus this was hilarious yet sounds so painful at the same time. Take the meds and deal with the side effects. Good thing 'duh' understands! You make a good dr. Oz

    Em K

  9. dude. first off you are hilarious. second, i have hemorrhoids!!! from having a baby and i feel your pain. they hurt like a mother!

  10. LOL, you never fail me. Rolling!! Hope it goes away soon!

  11. I sure hope Chad didn't read this one, again I belly laughed!!!! LU

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