Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Santa is a.....

This past week I was talking about someone and made reference to a mooch hooker. Yeah, I know another Dusty saying. Then I pretty much had to come up with a reasoning behind it or who for example could be a mooch hooker and my answer is Santa! 

I have come to the conclusion that Santa is a prostitute. I mean seriously who other than God does a kid age 2 until about 10 does a kid look up to just as much but a fat man in a suit that brings so called free gifts. Every year he hooks himself out. Really? Yes, think about it. Starting the day after Thanksgiving, the man basically turns into a male ho ho and who takes advantage of it? All the mothers out there that want the imaginary gift of sugar plums and candy canes dancing in our kids heads. Last year alone, we paid out about $500 smacks to this guy. Talk about bend over and not get kissed. I wonder if I walk into Toys R Us and tell him to give me a good spanking if I'd get arrested? 

He has the best set up a mooch hooker could have. He sells his face and body to every retail store across the country. Sets on a chair for kids and drunk women to have their picture taken and for a whopping $5 dollars, you get a Polaroid picture for life. I don't know many prostitutes that want their picture taken and posted on a Christmas card with the words, "have a great holiday season". 

Santa's also bad for the environment. We have all these tree huggers claiming global warming and he's the worst violator there is. He prints his face on every roll of wrapping paper and I being a good paying desperate customer, buy the shit up and wrap the kids gifts in this hookers paper all so my kid will feel the joy of hard work by the pimp and his elves. Two hundred and fifty square feet of a paper to wrap a non-recyclable box with a wooden toy train in is one whole tree that could have lived and provided oxygen for my kid. Great now he's taking the air away for me to breath. I mean we go to the dump to take our trash off and the dumpster biatch screams we must put the plastic in this dumpster and the cardboard over across the lot, but Santa kills a forest for monetary gain and its perfectly fine. 

The only person that really has the best deal out of all this is Mrs. Claus. I mean her husband  brings home the bacon and fries it up in the pan and you can't tell me she is just happy that all the kids out there in the world made the list. I believe she goes over to the land of misfit toys and has either her way with the lion emperorer or the pink polka dotted elephant makes her a present that starts up with about 110 volts. 

The only person in this world that can get away with selling his soul to the whole population and do it with a smile on his face and a fat belly. 

So think about this when December 24th rolls around, he turns his only trick of the year and you're opening that beautiful gift with his face on it. You just paid a mooch hooker.

Happy Tuesday,


  1. Hahaha oh my, I'd never thought of it that way xD I must say though, it makes a lot of sense...


  2. hahaha, oh dusty, the wanderings of your mind. never ceases to amaze me! ;)

    my fav line : "Talk about bend over and not get kissed." Made me L.O.L. + "Bend over" is the locals' nickname for my hometown, so it especially struck me. :) love it! love you more!

  3. Lol! Your comment on my bucket list made me laugh. :) I agree, it'd be great!!

    So funny, I have a friend named Dusty!! Though he's a guy, but still. Haha :)

  4. I'm so glad that my friends' brains are as crazy of places as my own. Thanks for making me get the giggles while pretending to work.

  5. bahahaha so I will remember this post one day when I am telling my unborn children that Santa is not real...

  6. Your imagination is just....amazing. :) Haha!


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  8. Well of course this makes perfect sense, just like everything you say... :)

  9. I would love to know where you were when this dawned on you.

  10. Weren't we just taking about Santa? Oh yeah that was right after I told you I get drunk on Christmas and try to save wrapping paper...

  11. LOL!!! omg loving this post! i def totally can see where you are coming from


  12. Girl, for the the love of GOD, submit this post to Comedy Central!!! I died the whole way through it!! So much so, that Ross asked what I was laughing so hard at!!! And, where the hell do you get $5 Santa pictures at? Big pimpin' is charging $25 in my hood!!!

  13. ahaha this is hilarious - i love your writing :D
    also, i nominated your blog for an award

  14. Oh my word. I think you officially ruined Christmas for me. That was incredible. A truly masterful rant, if I do say so myself.

  15. SO funny and I am a true blue Christmas Santa fan... I mean my name is Noël, but this is just pure genius! So funny! I Know I already said that but it needed to be said again. Found you through the link up at Talk To Me Tuesday ;)