The Great Scape

It's summer obviously. Seems like everyone is feeling the effects of the world's largest sweat lodge.  I think we should start a contest to see who's the hottest. This could possibly be the only time I would participate in a wet t-shirt contest and not care that my puffy muffin is hanging out over the sides. I am thankful we have a swimming pool although I can't seem to muster the strength to go in it. I mean who wants to take a bath at noon because that's what the water feels like. 

Saturday, I researched tutorials on how to curl your hair with a flat iron. I laughed alot and still have no clue. I am not coordinated enough apparently to be that inventive. And I watched Pink's concert from Australia on TV for 2 1/2 hours on Saturday in which I have decided when I grow up I wanna be like her. 

This past week, I got into a conversation with a few people about weightloss and summer time brings on the pressure to look good in a swim suit. I managed to also shave all parts of my body because sweating and hair feels like I could possibly have a rain forest coming from my mid section. I HATE SHAVING! Which brings me to the subject of grooming. You know scaping, manscaping, skinning a cat etc. If I am going to lay by the pool you can't have pokies hanging out. I also am not going to have the shit waxed. Been there and done that. Those Brazilian people can have that ritual. Ever had that done? Holy moly. I swear I thought someone had ripped off my wassa. When she said, "now lets to the other side" I wished her a slow timely death of syphilis, paid my money and walked out with flashbacks to my pre teen years. 

I read somewhere that 90 percent of women worry about what there tinker toy looks like when they go for their yearly appointment with their GYNO. Seriously, if they seen one they have seen them all. All looks the same. Maybe one day I will ask her what my "job" looks like in conversation while she's swabbing out my cervix. I am sure she won't give me any pointers on how to make it look for next time. I might just surprise her and shave out an arrow pointing down.

Manscaping is essential. If you can't see the tree for the forest, then how are you gonna gather any nuts? For those that are allergic, well then your off the hook. Do you think Lance Armstrong considers this when calculating the wind factor off his body when he's preparing to ride up a mountain? 

I don't know. All this seems so redundant. I mean, necessary. I don't know why. I don't walk up to people, give them a hug and ask if they waxed their willy today. But its also easier for men to get away with having Sponge Bob on their crotch, they put on swim trunks. Women can't wear a polka dot bikini with their Gizmo all hanging out. I hate double standards. My son keeps asking me when he's going to get hair. An exciting time in a kids life only to bust his bubble when I tell him, he's gonna have to manscape it or some girl is going to think he's a koala bear. 

I give up on vanity!

Happy Monday,

Dusty