Monday, July 2, 2012

The Great Scape

It's summer obviously. Seems like everyone is feeling the effects of the world's largest sweat lodge.  I think we should start a contest to see who's the hottest. This could possibly be the only time I would participate in a wet t-shirt contest and not care that my puffy muffin is hanging out over the sides. I am thankful we have a swimming pool although I can't seem to muster the strength to go in it. I mean who wants to take a bath at noon because that's what the water feels like. 

Saturday, I researched tutorials on how to curl your hair with a flat iron. I laughed alot and still have no clue. I am not coordinated enough apparently to be that inventive. And I watched Pink's concert from Australia on TV for 2 1/2 hours on Saturday in which I have decided when I grow up I wanna be like her. 

This past week, I got into a conversation with a few people about weightloss and summer time brings on the pressure to look good in a swim suit. I managed to also shave all parts of my body because sweating and hair feels like I could possibly have a rain forest coming from my mid section. I HATE SHAVING! Which brings me to the subject of grooming. You know scaping, manscaping, skinning a cat etc. If I am going to lay by the pool you can't have pokies hanging out. I also am not going to have the shit waxed. Been there and done that. Those Brazilian people can have that ritual. Ever had that done? Holy moly. I swear I thought someone had ripped off my wassa. When she said, "now lets to the other side" I wished her a slow timely death of syphilis, paid my money and walked out with flashbacks to my pre teen years. 

I read somewhere that 90 percent of women worry about what there tinker toy looks like when they go for their yearly appointment with their GYNO. Seriously, if they seen one they have seen them all. All looks the same. Maybe one day I will ask her what my "job" looks like in conversation while she's swabbing out my cervix. I am sure she won't give me any pointers on how to make it look for next time. I might just surprise her and shave out an arrow pointing down.

Manscaping is essential. If you can't see the tree for the forest, then how are you gonna gather any nuts? For those that are allergic, well then your off the hook. Do you think Lance Armstrong considers this when calculating the wind factor off his body when he's preparing to ride up a mountain? 

I don't know. All this seems so redundant. I mean, necessary. I don't know why. I don't walk up to people, give them a hug and ask if they waxed their willy today. But its also easier for men to get away with having Sponge Bob on their crotch, they put on swim trunks. Women can't wear a polka dot bikini with their Gizmo all hanging out. I hate double standards. My son keeps asking me when he's going to get hair. An exciting time in a kids life only to bust his bubble when I tell him, he's gonna have to manscape it or some girl is going to think he's a koala bear. 

I give up on vanity!

Happy Monday,


  1. Ohmygod! This is wonderful! Thank you so much for the morning laugh, what better way to start a Monday?

  2. I'm giggling like an idiot over here and my coworkers are peeping over my wall to see what I'm laughing I love your inner thoughts- I have them too, definitely not as funny though! Thanks for making me laugh this morning!

    xo Kayla

  3. So I just snorted coffee out my nose. Thanks for that. Gizmo is my new favorite term.

  4. I'm thinking laser hair removal is the way to go!!! I've heard good and bad things about it so... who knows!

    ahhh summer and summer up keep.

  5. you are crazy and I love you! so 1. I tried to curl my hair with a flat iron and my hair was torched and creased and burnt 2. manscaping...yes...not ALL the way but just some here and there 3. should I be worried about my lady bits before I go in a few weeks?!

  6. I just love how this conversation went from curling your hair, to weightloss, to scaping. Haha, I'm so impressed! Ok so I've been desperately trying to curl my hair with a flat iron since pinterest makes it seem so easy. But it's not. Or I'm dumb. It could go either way. I bet Lance has no hair anywhere.

    xo, Yi-chia
    Always Maylee

  7. hahahhaaa, girlfriend!! "if you can't see the forest through the tree, how are you gonna gather any nuts?" seriously!! Dusty. I <3 you more today than I did yesterday, who knew that was even possible!? Laugh Laugh Laughing Out Loud!

  8. Girl, did you take a random ass pill today? I mean you are all over the place and I LOVE it! I can't curl my hair with a flat iron either and I think Brazilian waxes are the BOMB!! My lady is Nancy is she makes me fancy! ;)

  9. I have failed miserably at curling my hair with a flat iron and I did it step by step like they said. They lied and I failed. I've been waxed a few times and it sure does hurt like hell. However, I think it gets better if you keep doing it. I can't vouche for that 100% but I know that's how it was with my eyebrows. haha

  10. Hilarious! Seriously, funny shit. I was considering going back to waxing and then I had flashbacks and got all sweaty again. Also, it's impossible to curl hair with a flat iron. Mine always ends up in wonky bended strands of hair and I end up straightening it anyways!

  11. You win the award for coming up with and using the most creative names for our jays! Thanks for the awesome ab workout! :)

  12. I love your randomness! I confess, I've already confessed this, but I'll confess again, I shave every day. I HATE hair, despise it!

  13. My yearly is coming up and I'm so going to ask for pointers on how to get the perfectly shaved vagina. haha I love the arrow idea too.

    I hate body hair for the wedding Sat I had to shave above the knee, dammit I just didn't to.


  14. Holy shit I love you. I dies when I got the the mans aping paragraph. Maybe that should have been your guest post topic.

  15. "swabbing out my cervix" - Dusty, I don't think i've ever covered my mouth and saw "ew' while reading a blog.. but then I laughed.

    I love you, you friggin lunatic.. glad you're well groomed. I am thinking about giving up shaving.. I think about it every day, but I am not a man or russian.. and ideally I'd like to find a hot man again at some point so that's out..

  16. It's so f*cking hot here that my brain is frying. My normal body temperature is warmer than the average person so combine that with this freakin' heat and I'm sweating like a banchee. Let's not forget the fact that I sweat from my head which means my face is dripping. As for making sure my hooha looks good for an OBGYN appointment? Screw that... doctors get paid lots of money to look at my hooha as it is... shaved or not. Maybe we'd come in at a tie for a sweating contest.

  17. Haha I has no idea this post was going to go "down there" when I clicked the link! But since we're talking about it...neve got a wax and never will. Eff that! Sounds too traumatizing!

    And I am
    Not coordinated enough to curl my hair with a flat iron either :/

    1. Sorry for the weird comment, my phone SUCKS!!

      Thanks for linking up with us :)

  18. Awesome that you talk of the "scaping" thing. Loved this! My vajayjay usually looks good, ya know, because I see it a lot :)

  19. Oh Dusty. You are hilarious. As always. I waxed one leg one time. ONE LEG - ONE TIME. It hurt so bad I left one with hair and left the salon. I can imagine allowing my womanhood to get waxed. OUCH! My bestie always says it's necessary and i think she is an idiot.

    Manscaping is a must. They can't expect us to be smooth, then drop the pants and bam we're back in the 70's with a fro. No thank you.

  20. I feel like this post is just the welcome back I needed to blogland. I love you D. I love this, too.

    I do NOT love pokey hairs, that is for damn sure.

  21. Haha! I think the whole shaving, scaping, manscaping is just insane. I still partake, because I'm a woman, and "it's what we do", but why? Did you know in Europe they don't shave? Not even their armpits? It seems so... gross. And indecent when little hairs are poking out of your swim suit to say hello.