Tuesday, August 7, 2012

L 7 Wienie

So as much I try to think I can do everything, I can't. I would make out a bucket list but then I would fail miserably at it. I could make a list a mile long and probably accomplish a quarter of it. Honestly, probably not even that. I make lists or get ideas in my head and I say Yes I can and then I really don't.

Here are somethings I cannot do. And please don't unfollow me because this makes me any less of a Wonder Woman.

1. I cannot fry an egg. Seriously, I can scramble the crap out of them, but if I try to fry one it always breaks, yolk every where and inevitably its the last egg left and so there can't be a re-do. I suck!

2. I cannot parallel park. Danger Danger. If I even remotely think there is no other place close enough but than to do so, I swear I will drive around in a circle until someone leaves. It seriously ends up like the movie European Vacation and me saying, "Look kids, Big Ben, Parliament."

3. I cannot hock up a loogie. I have tried. I will gag myself before I force snot in my mouth and spit it out. If you told me I had to spit and/or blow snot rockets or die. Get out the horn and start playing Taps.

4. I cannot do shots. By that I mean tequila shots or of any kind. They go down that street and come right back up. Although I think people have mad talent skills to be able to consume 10 at a time. I don't envy anyone that does it because I know they will have that two way street about 2 am when the room starts spinning.

5. I cannot spell "absolutely". If it wasn't for spell check I would miss spell it every single time. I try but at 40 is it really necessary?

6. I cannot paint my finger nails. I can do the left hand but cannot paint the right. I try but it ends up all over the sides of my fingers. I am not ambidextrous (I had to spell check that word too).

7. I cannot tie a cherry stem in a knot. I have tried. I gagged, hocked up a loogie and almost died. 

Happy Tuesday friends, what can you not do?


  1. If you just decide that you like your eggs fried over-hard, I'm sure you'll be able to fry them just fine, because you have to break the yolk in order to get them to fry perfectly hard. :P I've never even tried to keep the yolk intact so I don't know if I could.

    I can't parallel park either. My solution is that I only go downtown when I can get someone to drive me. Seriously--back when I was engaged but Angel was useless for all practical purposes since he lived in another state, I was bribing other guys with dinners in order to get them to take me downtown for school assignments that I had to do and such. I even crashed straight into the cones when trying to parallel park at my driving test. But I still passed because I can do everything else.

  2. I am horrible at parallel parking too! I once had a roommate try to teach me, and she ended up hitting another car! EEK! I will either drive around until someone leaves, or park miles away ;) just to avoid parallel parking!

    I'm also horrible at cooking rice, it's either undercooked or overcooked I get the the Goldielocks effect (just right) to work! Mike is the official rice cooker in this house!


  3. Right now... I CANNOT stop laughing at this. Seriously. Taps?? hahahaha
    I also can't spell absolutely without spell check so it is seriously funny that others have this issue.

    Thank goodness someone invented spell check.
    Happy Tuesday.

  4. I can parallel park pretty well… unless someone else is in the car or watchin me. For some reason it just gets me nervous.

    The image of you tryin to “hock a loogie” and failing made me giggle.

    Absolutely is one of my better words spelling. Necessary on the other hand is one of my worst. I also have trouble typing the word change. I know how to spell it but my fingers don’t… I always type chnage instead.

    Can’t fry an egg? Whatever happened to the gentle touch of a woman?

  5. haha,
    i can check almost all point of your list. i can't cook. i can't drive a car. i can't take a shot, my body just refuse it

  6. I cant do shots either girl....last weekend at a bachelorette party someone ordered shots and when everyone was taking them, I threw mine on the ground hahaha

  7. My bestie Megan, thinks it's hilarious that I can't paint my finger nails. She mocks me in a big oger voice "kelsey mash paint...rawrrr" shut the fuck! It's not my fault I never got any lesson on that nonsense. Pssh!

  8. I can't burp. But I sure can do shots... haha.

  9. Haha, these are not so bad! I can't parallel park for the life of me either, and I actually have a blog post coming up about this. I can't take shots and I can't hock up a loogie. Even though I can spell 'absolutely', I can't spell 'embarrassing'. I can never figure out how man r's or s's there are.

    xo, Yi-chia
    Always Maylee

  10. It's probably for the best that you can't do #3 ;)

  11. I might be the worst speller on god's green earth. Excersise and Convienance. I spell them sooo bad that auto correct can't even figure out what it is I'm trying to say!

  12. Bahaha! Love this. I can't paint my fingernails either (seriously...my husband says it looks like I let a 5-year old do it) and for the life of me I can't type my own name correctly. I always write "Mairon" as opposed to "Marion" . It's stupid.
    LOVE this idea for a post. I just hope you didn't have too many people un-follow you for being so imperfect :)
    XO - Marion

  13. #2: I am the world's best parallel parker ever, for real. I'll teach you!
    #3: made me throw up in my mouth. Thank you.
    #7: I can tie a cherry stem...and unwrap a starburst. Just saying...wait...what am I just sayin? Yikes!
    #8: I'm shocked that Marion (spelled correctly) didn't comment on her hatred of eggs. (love you M!)

  14. I can't hock a loogie either! Plus it's not ladylike. I always mix up i's and e's like in reiceve. see?

  15. I cannot parallel park. in my drivers test I made the instructer who knew my family talk me through it, and he was yelling.. "you're a kilfoyle you can do this." I haven't done it since. asshole.

    I can't hock, i throw up at the thought, and when I hear other people do it? i gag. like my eyes will water hard core, and it's totally a shit storm.

    dusty, i love you.

  16. I can't spell definitely! Every single time! I'm glad you can't do some of those (hock a loogie). Haha

  17. I WISH I could do shots, and here's why. This Friday I have to have a colonoscopy. Don't know if you've ever had one, but to prep for it, you have to drink a shit-ton of NASTY stuff, and every time I have to have one, I think - DAMMIT - IF ONLY I COULD DO SHOTS I could get this stuff down in a heartbeat. As it is, I sip it, try to gulp it, my eyes get watery, I start gagging, it's disgusting. Blargh!! Thanks a LOT for reminding me of my colon blow. Now I'm going to get the nervous poops. I hope you're happy.

    Actually - the nervous poops will probably help, so really - THANK YOU.


  18. I can always count on my favorite twat waffle to post funnies to cheer me up. Love u!!

    Oh, and I am just as freaked out and horrible at parallel parking. But I am a Shots girl and can take quite a few without getting sick. Unless it's whiskey-ewwwwww.

  19. i did a vlog about this once. i can't whistle, or do cart wheels.

    i can HOWEVER hock up loogies. it took some practice, as the first time i spit it in my hair, then i had to wear it for a week being in the middle of the woods and all. but now, i'm really good at it.

  20. i cannot fry an egg either. i don't really know what to do with eggs. except eat them when they're on my plate.

    i am the master at parallel parking. its weird. especially because I'm asian.

    3, 4, 5, and 6 i also cannot do.

    7? i can.

  21. I'll fry your egg for you no problem. We're goonna have to paint each other's nails though because I suck at painting my own!

  22. I can do 7 as well. And I snot rocket and hock loogies. In the shower. Everyday. Disgusting. I can't climb a fence, or a rope...or a tree. Climbing isn't my strong point. Also what I do in high heels hardly qualifies as walking.

  23. Okay, I am shameful for telling you this, but Ross read your blog before I could get to it!! He LOVES you! I am sorry I am so late to the party...it was a busy day!
    So, this post seals the DEAL on us being long lost twins!!! I suck at frying eggs, CANNOT park...period, no loogies for me, my left hand is a HOT mess after painting and I am not talented with my tongue! And I can totally teach you how to shoot some liquor...there are some secrets I will share with you one day!

    I DO LOVE YOU, Dusty...you know that right????


  24. Can anyone tie a cherry stem in a knot?!?!?!

  25. It's amazing you've made it this far in life without hocking a loogie. HOW DO YOU LIVE? Just kidding, that's disgusting. So is tying a cherry stem with your tongue. That's business for whores.

  26. I can parallel park, but have a near anxiety attack when dickholes sit in the road behind me, judging from their Prius. Loogies are gross so we can still be friends. I can't make a layup to save my life. Half court shot? Sure. Simple layup? No way.

  27. I can not hock a loogie. I also can not spell "weird" without that gem called spell-check. I can parallel park 65% of the time, which is almost passing...

    I can take shots, but I'm such a lightweight it's rarely a good idea. My liver has to go into training each year for our company Christmas party. I see it as an accomplishment that I didn't throw up last year.

  28. You just inspired me to share the secret to parallel parking! I will have to make a visual ;) You will be quite surprised at how easy it is!