Monday, September 24, 2012

Hell in a Handbasket

Hello, Loves, did everyone have a great weekend? I had friends in town and it was fantastic. It's always comforting to see friendly faces and you miss them when they go. But I wanted to do a follow up post. Last Thursday, I posted a video of a song that I listen to often and the message behind it was to hopefully encourage people that its okay if you don't feel perfect, we are all perfect in some way in someone's eyes. Now, I give you some of the reasoning why I feel like I am going to hell in a handbasket. 

As my 41st birthday is approaching fast, I started to think of all of the good in my life and the way I have lived, but nobody ever prepares you for how you will look. Now granted there are Hollywood starlets out there that still have the face of a 25 year old. I am sure that has to do with good genetics and a gas pump full of fillers and Botox. I mean in Tinsel Town, I am sure there is a drive-thru window somewhere where you can get a shot in the forehead "to go" with the green monster diet smoothie and In & Out burger, but here in redneck land, I have to rely on cheap wrinkle cream and Neutragena face wash.

Here are a few things I have notice going on with this 40 year old. First, after reading in a magazine about the best jeans for your shape, I realize that they don't make a "prune" shape. You got boy, pear or petite shape, but I think since everything seems to be NOT defying gravity, I am going with the dried up prune. My butt now only fills out the jeans but the jiggle is more prevalent and probably looks like two pigs in a blanket. 

Then when I flex my arms I seem to have muscles, yet there is no longer definition. Its just an arm. Plain Jane straight arm with a mud flap that is starting to show itself. So now when I wave goodbye, I am waving twice with once body part. Mad talent skill.

My once perky tits are starting to migrate under my arms. Which only can mean one thing, since they no longer look 25, they want to crawl into my pits and hide like a polar bear hibernates in the winter. Hmm, maybe that's what my bubbies are doing; they are going into lifetime of hibernation. Which is good, if I lie down flat, my son now has a sled for the three inches of snow we may or may not get this winter.

Let's not even mention the grey hairs and I am not talking about the one's on my head. The ones that grow out of your eyebrows are sold white, thick and they poke straight out. I love turning into a porcupine. I now have quills growing between my eyes. I am not even going to mention the ones that also produce themselves on the chuckie. Those die a fast death, one shave and gone. If anything can give away your mojo, it's the presence of gun metal on the party bus.

The list goes on and on. Crow's feet, my voice is starting to sound like a roid raged beef cake and the age spots collecting on my body could be a road map of death. I don't understand how it all happened so fast, but it did. Somewhere I have to look inside myself to say, "hey, you look pretty darn good for almost 41." Then I turn the lights on and it all happens again, tweezers, anti-aging serum, hair dye and host of crap that I have to do, just to maintain the I don't look like Grandmas Moses. Seriously, I am about four years away from mom jeans and those Luv my panties that are made of stretch cotton, if I don't get off the stick and so something about it. I can't change my age, but maybe if every day I hold my face pulled back like a platypus, draw on new eye brows, use contour to define my muscles and shave a heart on my drooping tootatoot, I will feel 25 again.

Happy Monday,
Dusty
  

21 comments:

  1. Don't be so hard on yourself, I think you're beautiful Dusty! Bring on the birthdays, living forever is overrated and sounds uuuuber boring.

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  2. You are gorgeous! You shouldn't have to worry about aging at all because you don't look like you've aged at all since 25! (even though I didn't know you at 25, you look like you're 25!) Look at the positives to all this, covering your greys you can change up your hair color, eyebrow color, and 'tootatoot' color (as you call it). haha!

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  3. Your voice is amazing. If I could sound like anyone, it would be you. Seriously.

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  4. Aww Dusty...chin up girl! I think you look good! As you know, I'll be turning 45 in November...the only thing that gets on my nerves are those wiry grey hairs! Ugh! Those things are so stubborn! I was thinking of coloring my hair, but I'm not the greatest at taking care of my hair and I'd probably go bald behind the coloring so I'm just dealing with those wiry suckers. LOL

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  5. If I look like you do when I'm 41 I will consider it a major accomplishment.
    Your gorgeous and hilarious.
    the whole package really. It's not fair.

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  6. you do no have a prune shaped body!! silly girl! and jon has been pulling grays from my head for a few months....wth?!

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  7. It's not really that bad, but I DID laugh through this. I'm approaching forty frikin' three in December. 43?????? I feel old when I see that number. UGH....

    BUT...I think of how fortunate I am to be able bodied and have my health. OK...but my ass is getting jiggly, wrinkles are more prevalent, and I swear when I start getting those damn bingo arms, I'll be lifting weights every hour on the hour.

    YOU look amazing. Nuf said! xoxo

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  8. Wait, you're 40!? How did I not know this. You look amazing for 40! Seriously. Don't be so hard on yourself. Last year for my birthday my husband bought me anti-wrinkle cream. He thought it was funny. It was not. I proceeded to have an anxiety attack and then gave him the death stare for the next 3 months. Bet he doesn't think it's funny now.

    xo, Yi-chia
    Always Maylee

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  9. ooooh chica bananaaa... well you made tears of sadness and laughter come to my eyes as I yes'd, uh-huh'd, ohlordmetoooo'd through this. funilly said mama! BUT you best not really be that down on you cause YOU are a smokin' hot 40 something year old!! And I SWEAR to you, most of the 40 somethings are looking better than the 20 somethings these days. And i am NOT just saying that cause I'm 30 something. ;) It's true.

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  10. If you start wearing Mom jeans we can no longer be friends...I am sorry, and yes, I am that shallow. Pssshhhh, girl, you are gorgeous. And if it makes you feel any better, my boobs have been hibernating since I turned 30...at least yours waited a little longer. ;)

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  11. HOLD THE PHONE. You are not 40. No way. If so, what are you talking about?!? You look AMAZING. Although this post did make me giggle. And pee a little. Which is a sign of aging too, right?

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  12. "If anything can give away your mojo, it's the presence of gun metal on the party bus." Dying. Thank you for that!! YOU ROCK, Ms. Hotty McHotterson!! ;)

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  13. Aging sucks. And those older women in Hollywood who look amazing are NOT natural beauties, whatever they try to tell the rest of us. It sounds like you work hard to make yourself look good, and it shows! I never once have looked at a picture of you and wondered if Sonic the Hedgehog was taking up residence in your eyebrows.

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  14. You are beautiful!!! Don't be so hard on yourself.

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  15. You look damn good for your age. Hell, you look damn good for MY age. Your maintenance is paying off. I swear the day I see gun metal on the party bus...it's ALL over.

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  16. You shhh I've had gray hair since I was 18, you are 40 and fabulous!! Work it sexy friend.

    xoxo

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  17. Is this what I have to look forward to? What happened to women only get better with age like a fine wine? I have been dooped!

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  18. I would have never guessed you were going on 41... you make it look great. As for the tits. Yours want to hide under your arm pits, mine want to go to my knees. Let's not even forget the fact that I don't have any kids yet. Awesome.

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  19. I seriously forget that you are 40. I swear...if you never mentioned your age we would all think you are mid to late 20's. Lawd strike me down if I'm lying!.....I'm still alive, so obviously I'm right!

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  20. I know this isn't "funny", but you are such a great writer that it is. Gravity and time are awful. I didn't really realize I had aged until going back to college. The 18 year olds wearing leggings with no cellulite, their smooth skin around their eyes...even my hands looks so veiny and old next to theirs. Sigh. Trying to embrace it...but it sucks!

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