The Vajay Didn't Do It

Hello, everyone my name is Ian, or the artist better known as The Kid. Today is my birthday. I am 8 years old. My mom will tell you that she loves me to the moon and back and that I am the best gift she ever has received. But really she wants to tell you the truth. She had me via C-section. She was big as a whale. And nobody told her that even though she didn't give birth vaginally it still didn't stop her vajay from swelling up like two pieces of Texas toast. Nobody told her that she would be carved open like a pumpkin on Halloween and that all her vital organs would rest on her chest like a Fourth of July cookout grill just to get me out. But its all good. So, I want to share some pictures of me and I thought I would let her in on a few secrets. You know the kind you don't tell your mother. 

I used to drink alot. I have sense recovered.

Back then it was all about the hair

and being high on fructose corn syrup

I have always been a chick magnet, girls dug me

my style was impeccable 

but now that I am growing up, duh

I should be mature, what a joke

and grow up to be a respectful man

Whatever, I just want to be 8 years old. But I tell my mom everyday that I love her to the moon and back. She says that behind every good man is a good mom who raised him. She loves me. She's my biggest fan. So without my mom and dad doing the cupid shuffle, I wouldn't be here. Happy Birthday to me, Ian Gage probably known when I get older as Stud Muffin.