Proud Mary

It's been a bit huh? Sorry I have been missing in action. I have been just busy. Busy with my thoughts. Busy with my son and busy contemplating life. It's funny how there are twist and turns. I thought I was over most of the twist and was turning a curve but then something hits you and sends you back to the fork in the road. I still have no idea where I am headed. 

Lately I have been dealing with finality. The finality of love lost. To know that it is possible forever. With the knowledge that everyday my child grows a day older, one step away to becoming something only a mother dreams of. The hope of one day finding a peace inside with the ability to know that my mistakes where just that. And then of loss. Loss of an identity. Right now I don't know which one to tackle first. 

Sometimes it unimaginable having to say goodbye. I have done it like most too many times. As we get older the inevitable happens and that loss is almost too much to bare. Goodbye to love one's is never a heartache you get over. 

Then there is a different goodbye. A goodbye to friends. People you trusted with your heart. Somewhere you know that they can make their way back, but you wonder will they? 

I have been blessed in this heart with some of the greatest friends. Friends who love me for me. Who know me. My true heart. I am not a naturally trusting person. Always cautious as to who and when I let people in. It's served me well in my life but also as a henderance. Mostly held at arms length but then there are a few that encompass my soul. Those I love with my whole heart knowing that I will never be hurt by. 

Sometimes life gets in the way. Our paths become different. We change and follow a direction unknowingly or maybe unwillingly taking the time to nurture that friendship making it grow as we grow. 

This weekend I hugged my friend Mary goodbye for she's moving on. Her family moving to start a new journey. We had time to reflect on the best years we spent together. Years that others that joined us can never say it wasn't the best time of our lives. The laughter and the fun but the purity of true friends just enjoying each other unedited, uncensored, and free. Free to be who we are. Then it was gone. Gone by a decision. A decision to walk away from one of the happiest times I have ever known. Why? A question that will forever be undecided or unanswered only to say that sorry seems the only thing that makes sense. Sorry that I hurt a beautiful heart for he undeserving knowing that to lose love by choice is one thing but losing that best friend in someone is another. I yearn to place a new best friend to love one day. But also sorry I walked away from friendships with the trick of the mind to think we would all still remain in tact. Some did and some did not. But I am more sorry that I wasted so much time not always being present. 

But we venture. Out into the unknown. Time takes over. Our lives change. Some for the better and some not so much. We grow older, our families change. We add lives that take up our time unselfishly, yet somewhere, yes somewhere it should have been shared. 

My soul has always been with these friends. The family of Gray's. Even far away. They are my family. And as I hugged her and I know not for the very last time because she's only going to be miles away and I vow to visit, we both crying, we took a breath at the same time as at one time our souls in sync and say I love you, at that moment I realized no matter the time lost, nor the change of having babies and busy schedules, my heart will always be where she will be and her heart will always be where I am.

I cherish every second with them. A life time of memories filled with photos, stories, and proof that bonds with friends do exist. I am so lucky that there are people in my life that I love so much. One's that no matter how crazy my life gets, they still are honest and loyal and love me and I intend to love them just as much right back for they have stood by me on my own journey and no matter how right or wrong I was........ remained.

Say I love you today and every day to your friends,

Dusty