Negligent Slobicide

Life Report states:

The Victim: Mom, 40 …aka Dusty, baby, honey, maid, lover, wifey, brown hair, 5’4”, 120 pounds, has full time job from 7:30 to 4:30.

Scene of the Crime:  brown house in Tennessee

Date: Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, 2011

As reported by Mom aka Dusty (see above). Upon entering the house Monday night the victim notices black shirt, socks on floor, house shoes scattered, two separate coffee cups half full with un-drank coffee (no need to swab for DNA), butter tub and jelly jar on counter, 4 english muffins missing from bag of six (should file a separate report on that), unmade bed, furry dog hair from lazy guard dog, a Lab known as Mille, fork on nightstand, Mt. dew cans; one located on coffee table, the other on stove, no toilet paper replaced on empty toilet paper stand, people magazine in middle of bathroom floor, and hunting equipment setting on dining table.

Further into the night, after cleaning up the events above with a pretty good idea of who the unsub #1 could be. She notices spilled chicken noodle soup, five gummy wrappers scattered throughout the house, three juice pouches; one placed on the cabinet, one tipped over leaking on the table and the other flat as a pancake lying in the bedroom floor. As she moves through the house she finds, two socks, one pair of jeans thrown on the floor in the spare bedroom, tighty whitey underwear drug into the bathroom probably by worthless guard dog number 2, Lab named Libby, popsicle wrapper on floor by trash can, and toys scattered throughout.

After an endless night of cleaning, tired and ready for bed, she washes her face, applies wrinkle cream, sets to use the potty and yes, that’s right -  pee on the toilet seat. Unsub #2 obviously has left a nice wet calling card for the victim, in which to disgrace and deface.

Wanted:

Unsub #1 – Male, 39 known as Dad aka…Chad, honey, baby daddy, provider, pool boy, handyman, jackass

Unsub #2 – Male, 6 known as Son aka…Ian, pooka bear, poo poo head, Damn it Ian

Crime as charged: Negligent Slobicide.

Mom states she works her baggetts off, comes home, cooks, cleans, tends to dogs, does laundry and is worn out. She states she lives with slobs! Two of the male species known as slobs. Let me repeat, SLOBS! The charges, if found guilty (which I am pretty sure this is a slam dunk case); perpetrators will be sentenced to no breakfast on Saturdays, full day of shopping with mom as punishment, and STRIKE.

Shut the front door you say? That’s right Strike! Keep it up and you’re going to have no cookies cooked for school functions, no dishes washed, no clean underwear, and no toilet paper to wipe your asses.

I, Dusty, do solemnly swear that all of the facts stated in the above fake affidavit are true.

Wanted!

Dad: Negligent Slob

Son: Negligent Slob