Well, it's the last Thursday of 2011. I thought I would do a wrap up of the year. I look forward to 2012. Although it only means I get another year older into the 40 category (you suck). My year started out yucky and I know I will be faced with some other heart breaking times. My sweet baby, partner in crime, my first child, worthless guard dog #1, Mille won't be here too much longer. That dog has been the love of my life for 12 years. She has also been the biggest pain in my butt. If you saw the movie Marley & Me. She is an exact duplicate only female. I dread that day to the core of my heart.
My step dad has terminal cancer with not a long time left. The battle I have seen him fight is one I wish not on my worst enemy and what I learned from it, was that life is just so fragile. He wasn't supposed to make it through 2010 and he did. Even though he is my step dad, he's the only grandfather my son has ever known. His first words when he found out he had cancer were, "my grand babies, what about my grand babies!" He loves my son even though not of his blood and although the illness has taken a toll on his mind, I know that for the last six years, he's been a great Pa Pa to my Ian. I am so grateful. My heart is with my mother. For she has sacrificed so much. We often forget those left to deal with the aftermath of something so tragic. We tuck away our emotions for those that have to deal with seeing this process every day and the sadness they feel in their hearts. If I were to put myself in her shoes, I hope that I am strong and filled with love and I remember the good times and the memories that have been made and remember to love and laugh every day. I love my mom for everything she does for my family and for being my mom.
I realized I am stronger than I thought but weak in some parts and I am okay with that. I am a Scorpio. I love very hard and strong, and hurt even deeper. I have known this about myself since I was 16 years old. You always have a first love and when it was over, I thought the world had ended. Oh, lord the despair and dramatics. I bawled my eyes out. I didn't understand it and it wasn't until later I realized. It wasn't that I lost my boyfriend or the love of my life blah blah blah, it was I lost my best friend. When I love, I love that person for being many things in my "whole" life.
This year, I had to evaluate my life and what was in it. I fought for the things I love and what mattered most. I lost people along the way, but I see it as growth. For those who went away must not have been loyal to my heart. If you know me, I am pretty blunt. I say what I say. Does it hurt people's feelings, I am sure. But I don't like to sugar coat anything because in the end when you sprinkle a little BS on it, it ends up being a big pile of poop. To those I hurt, I am sorry. But true friendship and loyalty means you agree to disagree and at the end of the day, if you respect then you move on. I DO NOT approach a mean girl mentality. I am more of a don't made get even or depending on my mood, I'll let you dig your own hole by handing you the shovel. Most of the time the latter. Sometimes not saying anything is the worst revenge. I might not like what you said, you might not like what I said, but don't attack some one's inner self. Women should never attack someone's inner or outer-self. We struggle so much in this world with the expectations of what the media outlets display as a women's standards in the first place. Fight about the issue, don't point fingers and don't pot shot someone just because your angry and have no other defense and I am guilty of calling people out. But, the nanny nanny boo boo mentality only works in kindergarten. Was I wrong in some of my approach? Of course, but if you know the real me, you understand me, you accept me and you love me. I apologize for hurting anyone, but I do not apologize for honesty and being me. You don't want to know don't ask. Simple. Plus, whatever happened to good ole' girl fights with claw scratchin', hair pullin' and finger snappin? I firmly believe girl's should be fighting for each other not against each other.
The love for my son and my family has grown in a way I never imagined. Although, I am totally insane by my everyday life, the only thing I would trade was having the ability to provide more. My poor child has his father and my DNA. I jokingly often say, I am bound to be in the Principal's office everyday of his teenage life. But you know what? If it makes him, his own individual and puts him at his place in this world with respect for others and love for his family and friends, then we have taught him all the right things. It doesn't mean there are times I wouldn't like to beat him until I felt better (I don't by the way), but he completes my world. I know he's my greatest accomplishment of all time. So proud for him to be my son and lucky God gave me this gift. I vow to grow and be more patient. I also hope he learns to wipe his own butt. Sometimes, I just can't be interrupted.
Finally, this year meant I found me again. Since my son, I have struggled with my place. After I had him, all my friends that didn't have kids or had older kids, kind of fell into a different category. I wasn't sure where I was. Am I still that girl that goes line dancing? Do mom's do that? When do I take the time to read a book or shop just for myself? The guilt of dividing my time was overwhelming. I became consumed with dividing my time between being a mom, cook, laundry biatch, friend, provider and lover. I can honestly say, I AM NOT SUPERWOMAN. Although being hot in a costume with pretty bracelets would be fantabulous! I can't do it all and I am okay with that. It sucks to have to take a long look in the mirror and I did it and I came to this conclusion. I have everything I need wrapped up with my family of three. They complete me, but I also need myself. If I can find a baby sitter, this mom will be line dancin', having dinner with friends, shopping (if money permits), cussing like a sailor after too many sangria's, and taking weekend trips. Ssss-Nap!
I started this blog back in the fall and I haven't looked back. Do I share everything with the world no. Maybe in time, but I am not that exciting, well maybe on Thursdays, but I found an outlet. Something I enjoy and makes me happy. I have
met read some incredible people that inspire me. Some that are just like me, some that are different, but I love seeing how other people manage this crazy life. I found laughter and my funny bone which is mostly always on display, but I found my serious side and that's okay to be weak but pick yourself up and keep moving.
Thank you 2011 for being my biggest pain the ass and biggest lesson of my life. Time to move on, I have got bigger fish to fry, goals to accomplish and love to spread. Thank you Chad and Ian for providing me with love and support and the biggest headaches a girl can imagine. To the rest of my family and friends. I love you deeply.
Happy New Year everyone. I hope you continue on this journey. My cup can't runnith over just yet. So many more things to fill it with.