Fair Leather Friend

So I think its in the water. Every where you look it’s a woman and a baby bump. So glad we are all cyber buddies. They say sometimes women that hang around each other tend to take on the same cycles, so I have decided to read everyone’s blogs at different times during the day to make sure that I can’t even get knocked up through technology. Any hoot, last week, I mentioned that I was a little ticked when I read about Jessica Simpson and her dumb comment about she would die if  her kid chose Nike’s over Christian Louboutin’s. I still stand behind what I said, which was basically, what a ding bat. I would also like to request that naked celebrities everywhere, stop posing nude on the covers of these magazines. I mean wouldn’t you hate to be the person that waxed her wassa for that picture? I couldn’t even see my wassa when I was pregnant. I basically hiked my leg like a dog and prayed that I hit the spot with toilet paper when I wiped after going to the bathroom. I think it might have gotten to the point I just threw it at the area and hope it landed on the bulls eye. The day she told me I was going to have my son. I thought, oh, I gotta go home and groom myself. I got in the shower, tried three ways from Sunday and decided that Moma Big Bush here would just let the hospital do it. I mean, hell they charge your insurance for everything else, a little wassa trim won’t hurt ‘em.  

So, along with my same gripe, I was doing some lifestyle research yesterday (my new term for Pinteresting, fits don’t you think) and came across a picture of Kourtney Kardashian who apparently forgot her birth control, wearing leather pants. Let me say this again, leather pants. Nobody said, that you had to look like the poster child for pregnant, but here’s the pickle. When you sign up for I am pregnant 101, you pretty much sign all the rights to I cannot fit my butt into leather, skinny or any other pants other than something with a stretch waste band. And if you wear tights make sure you wear a top that covers just enough of Texas down below,  so we don’t see that your 7 months pregnant tight pants with the “V”. “V” is not for victory at 7 months pregnant.  You agree that not all ordinary clothing works.

Sometimes ordinary clothes don’t work even on un-pregnant people. Back in the day when I was hot snot, I had me some leather pants. The girls and I would go honky tonkin’ and I could push my tush with the best of them. I also, could drink a few beers (like six)  back then. Now I drink more than two and I am what they call asphalt licker. We went out one Saturday night. It was cold. I decided I would wear my black leather pants. I mean what girl isn’t cool in a cowboy bar in leather? We danced and drank, did the normal routine, ate at Waffle House afterwards, I went home and apparently passed out…in my clothing...face down. My mother who at the time, decides to call on Sunday and being the persistent woman that she is, tends to repeat her trend if you don’t answer the phone the first time. I woke up and realized that I could barely move. It didn’t enter into my sloshed up brain that you kind of swell after a night of drinking buckets of yeast and eating an omelet the size of a boulder. I roll over with my legs stuck straight out and there I was, stuck inside these pants like a burrito, walking around stiff legged, I could barely bend my knees to get my shoes off. I couldn’t call for help, I lived by myself and the dog didn’t care, she had to pee. I ended up having to cut them off my body. I am pretty sure it was like when you open a can of cinnamon rolls, the pressure is released from the can and the dough fluffs out of the sides of the aluminum. I gave those pants a proper burial in the trash, rubbed lotion on my legs that were chafed and never looked at another pair of leather pants again.

So my fixation on why a pregnant person feels the need to wear these is beyond me because you swell when you’re pregnant. You get up in the morning and your thighs look normal and by the end of the day they have turned into full blown roaster, set on 350, listen for the ding and you’re done. All I can say is to all the pregnant ladies, please back away from the leather. The only think leather is good for couches, diaper bags and shoes.

Happy Tuesday,

Dusty