Monday, March 5, 2012

No Thong Zone

Did everyone have a great weekend? Oh, mine was another adventure, but that's for another day. Let's just say a trip to the vet and my dog apparently has a hemorrhoid like her mother. It's true. Dogs get the dangling death or the equivalent of them like in humans, so she also has problems with her anus. We are a team. Apparently, my dogs and I share so much. Last month, I had to share maxi pads with the one on her period and now the oldest lab has anal seepage. We are NOT sharing the same medicine. I love her so much but I am not giving up my Prep H. Call me selfish, but she can drag her ass and make it feel better. I, for reasons only known by God, cannot do the same. This is just delish. But back to the original story. 

Last weekend, I had to go exchange some jeans that I had ordered on-line. You remember those flared LC jeans I featured in my blog? Well, the jeans and fluffy didn't get along so I tried to return them for another size, but to no avail, other people seem to have a fluff problem, so I just got my money back. Figuring I had $34 smacks, I would look around. I see this cute dress for summer but only on the mannequin, so a nice middle aged lady came over and I asked if she could get it down. I look at it and am pretty convinced I will buy it since it was $21 smacks and then she says, "well its pretty sheer, you  might want to check out our intimate department and get a t-strap to go with it." Huh? A t-strap? Why in the world would I wear a jock strap with this dress. So I said, you mean a thong? She said, "yes, those things that young women wear so they have no panty lines." Looking at her like she had four heads, I mean she was a blue hair telling me I should wear a thong, knowing she probably has on exactly what I have on...granny panties, I wondered over. 

Let me tell you its been years since I wore one of those t-straps. I think after a certain age, you just don't and second, she obviously didn't take a gander at my milkshake. I put on a thong and I am sure it would get lost somewhere amongst the massive cinnabons I am lugging around. Plus, I need something a little tight across thy skin because when I walk, it looks like two pigs fighting over a piece of cornbread. I carry the dress across the store, go  take a peak. Memories started to pour in and I then remembered distinctly why I don't wear them anymore. First, my butt crack doesn't need dental care. Second, with the current ailment, I don't think it would be a healing process to wear it. 

I browse through a few and then it brings me back to the time, a few of my fabulous friends went to Atlanta for a girls weekend. My aunt, cousin and I stayed in a room together. We ended up at Coyote Ugly. Several drinks and shots later, we come back to the hotel after dancing enough to be the spot light of the original show and the hotel. We go to get dressed for bed and my cousin goes to put on her pj's, I look up and she has on this matching lime green bra and thong. All of the sudden I blurted out, "oh my god your ass looks like it just swallowed Kermet the Frog!" After many minutes of uncontrollable laughing, snorting and silence with laughing again, we passed out from exhaustion from the giggles. That's when I gave up the thong. See I had worn one that night as well and all the dancing and repeated digging the next morning was uncomfortable, but seeing someone else's butt swallow a granny smith apple put it perspective. I never looked at my own butt to see what it looked like but seeing her butt, I realized, there is nothing beautimus about anyone's hiney. It's two mounds of dough divided by a line a fabric. I, from that point forward entered the "No Thong Zone." I tried boyfriend undies once but because my butt looks like a busted can of biscuits in them, they just rolled up on the sides and those went to the trash. These underwear are only meant for horn dog men, to look pretty and be gone in two point two seconds. They aren't for long term use. 

So, I wandered back over to the section, put the dress back and walked out. I am trying to convince myself that the dress could be worn without the usage of a t-strap, but because the help even mentioned it, I was detoured. Sorry, Kohls, but Mee Ma helped bring back painful memories and you lost the sale on that day. I may be back or order it on-line that way when I receive it at home I can throw on my granny panties and walk around to see the jiggle factor and shine a light on the dress to see if you can observe my wassa or not. 

I am proud to have entered the "No Thong Zone" even if it makes me un-hip, not sexy or it saves one frog in this world.


Happy Monday!

Dusty 




20 comments:

  1. heck I don't even like wearing thongs! I Look back at the lacy panties I used to wear in hs and college and I am like WTH!?! How did I not get a butt infection lol. When I do wear thongs they are 100% cotton no g string!

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  2. haha this post is hilarious! first time at your blog and i love it.
    i can't do g strings either. i need cotton all the way and i need as much thongage as possible without causing a scene.
    xx jes, your newest follower
    www.twosmuppies.com

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  3. That sign is hilarious!! Your poor doggie! I just had to take my dog for hotspots, hate having to go there. Hope you have a better day! xoxo

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  4. You are hilarious.haha So sorry about your dog though! not fun:(

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  5. ha ha ha ha ha. ha! You're writing makes me laugh too hard. I have to say that I remember all my "hot" friends in like 9th grade wearing thongs, and I have tried them few times in my life and just think they are too uncomfortable. I won't wear them unless it's a MUST

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  6. I gagged during the firt parargraph Dusty.

    I laughed hysterically though the rest.

    I own one thong, and once I put it on wrong when I was drunk, and I haven't gone back to them. Aboslutely not.

    There are no words to express how much joy your bring to my life, bff.

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  7. Hahaha girlfriend you are so so funny! I love that the saleslady just assumed you wore those t-straps lol. I may need to bookmark this one :)

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  8. Haha! That's hilarious.
    What a stellar sign. :) I'd be in violate of that right now...
    Wait, was that too much information?? ;)

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  9. your comment on my blog cracked me up and then i came over here to read about your dog having a hemy...totally made my day haha.

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  10. Where do you come up with this stuff? And you are literally killing me dead with the you know what talk. Mee maw? T strap? Biscuits...You crack me up. Please write a book. I will buy it. You can dedicate it to me.

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  11. Oh my Lord, this just made my morning!! You have me laughing my hiney off!!!! Seriously, Dusty, you are too damn fabulous for your own good.

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  12. Omg, I'm dying.. The no thong zone. You are flippin hilarious Dusty. Love the Vegas girl trip story.

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  13. Haha I think I need to go shopping with you, you always seem to have hilarious adventures!!! Say no to the no thong zone!!! There are some really good ones out there that arent ental floss flimsy Things!! Promise! Also when I first read t-strap I thought the lady meant a t shirt bra. T-strap=thing? Who knew?

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  14. A busted can of biscuits, reminded me of someone we know. I really needed that laugh, thanks! love you

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  15. Owner of the green thongMarch 6, 2012 at 9:34 PM

    I dont think I have worn thongs since that weekend down in the ATL. It sure was fun. I had alot of fun with the green thong and bra set. Too much fun.

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  16. Haha! You're hilarious! So, I don't even own a thong... I'm good with panty lines :)

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  17. Lets just say my fluffy does not belong on a white chick. It has a shelf that I can rest things on. Regular underwear for me are an exercise in futility. Either way, due to the deepness of my ass cheeks (you still with me?) I'm going to end up with fabric shoved between my hamhocks. In this case, I'd rather it be an inch or less than have the whole damn pair jacked in there.

    And that is my underwear story. I hope a future employer reads this.

    Jamie

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  18. Hahaha, oh this made me laugh. I've never worn a thong and, after reading this, I never intend to!

    Zia
    http://singing-blue.blogspot.ca/

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