9-1-1 What?

Sup! It's Monday! Sup! Shhh, story time. A few months back we had some people that were throwing cans at our house. Yes, you read that right. Throwing cans at our house. Why? Well, the mental capacity was apparently zero and they thought it was fun. I mean there are starving children in the world and they throw canned salmon at my house. Note to idiots I don't eat canned salmon. I called Duh and told him what happened in which he proceeds to tell me to go outside and see if our gate was still locked. I am no dummy. I watched the Scream movies. You go outside and you get kilt. So I said, uh, no and he called the neighbor and the police. After standing out on my back lawn screaming at the top of my lungs at these crazy people in which the lights all started to flip on in the neighborhood (I am now known as the crazy lady in the brown house, so proud), the police arrive at the wrong house. After motioning them to the correct house they came over, took my statement, went over to the house that was launching bombs and found that no one was so conveniently home. Funny, we saw them turn all the lights off. Well, long story short, they moved shortly after. But it made me think about our 911 system. So I decided to come up with a new improved version that will help the po-po's out and maybe increase response time. 

Here in Nashville, they all of the time are stressing to not call 911 unless it's a dire emergency to call the police hot line. Uh, really good plan. So here are the options I think would help out our serve and protectors.

"Ring, Ring" You have reached the 911 calling system. Please listen to the following options. 

For I shot the bitch, press 1 then the pound sign.

For I am so annoyed with the dogs constant barking and cats getting into my trash. Press 2 for poison control. They should be able to tell which chemicals to use to make an animal have the shits but do no harm then press the pound sign.

For my girlfriend stole my Nike Air Jordan collector shoes, check book and ran off with my neighbor press 3 and the pound sign.

For excessive noise maker by Karokee and/or redneck boom box coming from tall vehicles with mud flaps after college football game press 4 and the pound sign.

If you have dialed this number because your high as a giraffe's ass and drunk off your rocker, press 5 to be disconnected. You obviously butt dialed the Emergency Management System when you fell off the sidewalk. 

I am thinking this system could elevate all the useless explaining to the dispatcher and the police can react to our calls within a reasonable amount of time. 

Oh, and there should be survey involved. The Emergency Management System would like for you to take a brief survey to rate our fine response time. Press 6 and leave your comments after the tone. Press pound when you are finished. "Hey police department Fuh..beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep! Hmm, I, think my call was dropped or I entered into a dead zone.

Happy Monday,

Dusty