Monday, June 18, 2012

9-1-1 What?

Sup! It's Monday! Sup! Shhh, story time. A few months back we had some people that were throwing cans at our house. Yes, you read that right. Throwing cans at our house. Why? Well, the mental capacity was apparently zero and they thought it was fun. I mean there are starving children in the world and they throw canned salmon at my house. Note to idiots I don't eat canned salmon. I called Duh and told him what happened in which he proceeds to tell me to go outside and see if our gate was still locked. I am no dummy. I watched the Scream movies. You go outside and you get kilt. So I said, uh, no and he called the neighbor and the police. After standing out on my back lawn screaming at the top of my lungs at these crazy people in which the lights all started to flip on in the neighborhood (I am now known as the crazy lady in the brown house, so proud), the police arrive at the wrong house. After motioning them to the correct house they came over, took my statement, went over to the house that was launching bombs and found that no one was so conveniently home. Funny, we saw them turn all the lights off. Well, long story short, they moved shortly after. But it made me think about our 911 system. So I decided to come up with a new improved version that will help the po-po's out and maybe increase response time. 

Here in Nashville, they all of the time are stressing to not call 911 unless it's a dire emergency to call the police hot line. Uh, really good plan. So here are the options I think would help out our serve and protectors.

"Ring, Ring" You have reached the 911 calling system. Please listen to the following options. 

For I shot the bitch, press 1 then the pound sign.

For I am so annoyed with the dogs constant barking and cats getting into my trash. Press 2 for poison control. They should be able to tell which chemicals to use to make an animal have the shits but do no harm then press the pound sign.

For my girlfriend stole my Nike Air Jordan collector shoes, check book and ran off with my neighbor press 3 and the pound sign.

For excessive noise maker by Karokee and/or redneck boom box coming from tall vehicles with mud flaps after college football game press 4 and the pound sign.

If you have dialed this number because your high as a giraffe's ass and drunk off your rocker, press 5 to be disconnected. You obviously butt dialed the Emergency Management System when you fell off the sidewalk. 

I am thinking this system could elevate all the useless explaining to the dispatcher and the police can react to our calls within a reasonable amount of time. 

Oh, and there should be survey involved. The Emergency Management System would like for you to take a brief survey to rate our fine response time. Press 6 and leave your comments after the tone. Press pound when you are finished. "Hey police department Fuh..beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep! Hmm, I, think my call was dropped or I entered into a dead zone.

Happy Monday,
Dusty

18 comments:

  1. Great idea!! This is perfect- need to add one about kids accidentally dialing 911.

    Cyntra @LittleBittyLife

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  2. I want to call 911 about the barking dogs behind us. I was reaaaaal close this morning. Andy managed to stop me.

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  3. HA! I can't believe they were throwing cans of SALMON gross!! What a great idea though. Only time our family has called 911 was when I was little and I thought it'd be funny to lock myself in the bathroom to get away from my brother and he called the policeman thinking I was trapped ( I was like 7 he was like 4) it was hilarious and they showed up to our house and my parents freaked. Happy Monday chicaaaaaaa xoxo

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  4. You get kilt...I die. You crack me up girl. Our alarm went off one night and the police came and we were waiting outside for them to say that it was a false alarm and they legit pulled up to the wrong house. If it had been a true emergency we would be deadzo fo sho. I like your system

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  5. Seriously, the 'kilt' part made me come over to read this. This was absolutely hilarious. I can't help but think that your idea about the hotline is totally a great idea. I think you should totally implement it. Start your own, screen calls for the police with your awesome new system, then charge for it. Mmhm. Also, high as a giraffe's ass. SO funny!! Thanks for the giggle!!

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  6. canned salmon???! rude jerks. i think you ought to t-pee their house. just sayin' call me if you need help. :D

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  7. Haha, I remember calling 911 when I was a kid. I had no idea they called you back!! I was terrified.

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  8. canned salmon...hello that is expensive!! hahahahah what lunatics!

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  9. Canned Salmon? Maybe they think 2 things:

    1) Your large breed dogs are actually starving cats
    2) They heard that salmon makes your skin and hair look fab, and they wanted to look nasty... so they decided to give the salmon to the hottest chick on the block.

    Make sure you include the option for "accidental discharge of a weapon in my big-ass truck". Doesn't that happen all the time in the South? Or is that just here?

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  10. LOL xD that would be so funny! and why salmon?

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  11. "If you have dialed this number because your high as a giraffe's ass and drunk off your rocker, press 5 to be disconnected" I know a little/lot a bit about making such phone calls.

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  12. I totally agree - this system should totally be implemented in Texas as well

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  13. I think you need to run for mayor! I would vote for you, well first i'd move to nashville then I'd vote!

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  14. This is genius! I'm so sick of the "stop a crime, save a life or report a fire" commercials on the radio for the reasons to call 9-1-1.

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  15. Dear Dusty,
    Please for the LOVE of God, book a ticket and come see me. This post had me rolling and I am tired of laughing with you through a computer screen!! Where do you come up with this stuff????? Can the entire hotline system be recorded in Nashville twang?????

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  16. LOVE.THIS.SHIIIIIT. We need a similar system at all ER's. I cannot begin to tell you the ridiculous shit that people came in to be seen for.

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  17. Hahahahah "because your high as a giraffe's ass" I think what's funny is that I totally pictured about how high that is and it made me laugh even more.

    As to the can throwing..that's really strange- but I guess it's better than lighting poo on your doorstep, or toilet papering your house! But still, that can throwing has to stop!

    xo Kayla

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