Monday, November 19, 2012

Curveballs

I am just going to throw a bunch of stuff at you like curve ball and if you digest it, fantastic. If you leave here smarter, send me an email, we should talk  If you pass the word around then you are my new hero. And if all else fails, there is tomorrow and in the famous words of that redheaded girl, what was her name? Annie? "Tomorrow, Tomorrow. I love ya, tomorrow."

Last week I did a good deed. I offered a girl some words of comfort. I came out of the bathroom stall and there were two women standing at the sink. One was bawling her eyes out, the other asking her what happened and trying to get the story. After the non snot nosed girl walked out of the bathroom, I looked at the snot nosed girl and said, "this is why I work with mostly men, girls can sometimes be real bitches." To which such snot nosed girl proceeded to wail even louder and I cut a rug out the door. I tried.

I officially suck at Angry Birds. No really. I blame it on my astigmatism. I can't adjust the depth perception, so I end up crashing these birds into rocks or scoring hardly any points. I challenged my son the other night. His score 76,810. My score 1810. And why hasn't PETA raised three shades of hell about this game? Bird heads killing pigs. Oh, I am sure there will be people that will say, "It's the circle of life." I run from birds, I don't slingshot them into structures. All I know is this game drives me crazy. Pisses me off to zero end. I must master it and move to level II before Christmas.

I saw a teacher at The Kid's school last week with the skinniest legs I have ever seen in my life.  All I kept thinking was asparagus is bigger than her thighs. Swizzle sticks come to mind. Please eat beef. One swift kick with the end of my big toe and her legs would snap like twigs. Then I took a drink of my coffee setting in the car rider line and set a goal to achieve this look by 2013. 

Which brings me to Thanksgiving. Who the eff diets on Turkey Day? Not this Badonkadonk. I am thinking of finding a pair of old maternity jeans with the elastic  Just the thoughts of it make me wish it was already in my tummy. But then I get to drive home feeling like a busted can of biscuits. The misery, the gastro pains. Praying to baby Jesus that taking a poo will be painless and I will lose 27 point 4 pounds. Then I will realize on Friday..Hmm.. Left overs. Repeat process in own home.

That's it for this Monday. I trying to ex-sponge it all out of my head. I got more. But I will let you digest this for today. Here's hoping Miss Chopstick Legs eats a turkey thigh for Thanksgiving.

Dusty

24 comments:

  1. I love that you are passing your wisdom along to others - besides myself! :)

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  2. I stood behind some 17 year old with shorts smaller than my panties the other day. She had stick legs too, but all I could look at was her perky ass. I felt like a pervert.

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  3. Haha dusty, happy Monday. I died over the maternity jeans ha ha seriously why dont more people do that for thanksgiving?!

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  4. I have pondered buying maternity jeans now, because I heard the elastic acts like Spanx and sucks you in. I'm all about that.

    I always am amazed that people with skinny legs are able to remain upright. I have a hard time with that, and my thighs are epic in proportion to theirs.

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  5. Thursday I missed work because I couldn't stop crying. I was that girl. I could have used my Dusty on office then.

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  6. Haha, your entire paragraph on thanksgiving was just pure awesomeness. I want to wear maternity pants. Why hasn't someone marketed them to normal women?

    xo, Yi-chia
    Always Maylee

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  7. FYI... I have learned more in this post than I have in the last 2 hours of lecture on the ear// eye.
    Thank you for that.
    P.S. I don't get angry birds either ;)

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  8. is it possible to diet on thanksgiving day? in fact, the whole week is a shit show.
    i wear stretchy pants from at least wednesday to sunday. at least.
    and i such at angry birds too. my mom is better than i am. she must be more asian than me.

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  9. wait....do people diet on Thanksgiving? I think NOT!

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  10. Badonkadonk. My very favorite part. Loves You!!! Happy week of Thanksgiving!

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  11. Hahahaha! I love the advice, that made me laugh, I'm surprised she didn't at least crack a smile! Badonkadonk. Quit it. :) Try playing cut the rope, you will laugh I'm sure at the noises that come out of that game.

    Hope you are off to a great Monday so far :)

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  12. All of that was wonderful! You should write a book of advice just like that. It may be a good thing that you aren't good at Angry Birds. I dread to think how many hours of my time it's taken up. Although I'm usually watching tv too, so that's multitasking right?

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  13. "Healthy" thanksgiving recipes? Bullshit.

    Maternity jeans on thanksgiving? Genius.

    I do not have the patience to play angry birds. I get, well, angry.

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  14. Confession I have never played angry birds. I am scared I will love it. also, I have been pretending it's thanksgiving for the past 2 weeks. it's getting bad

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  15. my husband downloaded angry birds and i have yet to play do i dare get sucked in? and haha ms chopstick legs, love that!

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  16. Genius idea on the maternity pants! I 've never had a child but i bet i could find a pair somewhere.
    I dont play Angry Birds. It annoys me too.
    You're advice was right on too! Hopefully she will reflect back on that and appreciate your wisdom.
    Hugs!

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  17. LOL! You're so stinking funny!!! I don't understand Angry Birds - at all! I have no clue what I'm doing, so I gave up on it...my son on the other hand, picked it up just like that.

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  18. That snot nosed girl might learn one day, but that day was not it!

    Eat food, feel fat, diet later. ha! ;) That's my take on Thanksgiving!

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  19. You know Angry Birds and I aren't friends...give it up and move onto Doodle Find. Bring on the turkey and dressing and all the fixins!! Dieters on Thanksgiving can suck it! Love you!

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  20. hilarious. that pregnancy pants are a pretty good idea for thanksgiving though. i may consider this.

    ps - my almost three year old can get a better score at angry birds than me. i'm like what the....lol.

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  21. Holy frick?! Are you kidding me?!?!?! "One swift kick with the end of my big toe and her legs would snap like twigs. Then I took a drink of my coffee setting in the car rider line and set a goal to achieve this look by 2013." That made snot come out my nose. Thank you. And I have astigmatism and cataracts and Angry Birds makes me angry and is stupid. Good luck winning that war.

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  22. I suck at Angry Birds too!

    And can I lose the 27lbs instead please

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  23. The girl crying in the bathroom..

    I cannot stop smiling. I think it is the funniest thing I've read in the longest time.. Crying in a public bathroom is only meant for bars.

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  24. Your stream of consciousness is quite hilarious. You are such a good soul to tell her the truth. Haha.

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