Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Where's Waldo?

No your eyes are not deceiving you. It's me. I know. I know. Blogger was a little shocked to. It took a long time to open the site because I think it didn't believe it was me and was doing a full body scan to make sure. Once it reached the breast area it was confirmed. No tits. Check. Proceed.

Did everyone have a great Memorial Day slash long weekend? I did. And if I see another skinny Barbie like figure in a bikini with a fruity drink in their hand I am going to order that they be sought out and destroyed by a Mob like group who force them to eat large pizza's three meals a day without exercise or sunlight for three weeks straight. Please bitches eat some beef.

Sorry I have neglected everyone. It's been a hectic two weeks. The Kid had baseball tournaments. And it literally consisted of go to work, get home, dress him in proper attire, attend such game, scream my lungs out, come home, eat, shower and bed. Then repeat the next day until the little shits got beat. Don't get me wrong I loved every second of it. But I was worn out. And I hear in this game of motherhood that it only gets worse as they get older. Oh goody. By that time, the gas prices will be sky high and I will have to revert to a dog and sled type transportation method which will get a lot of stares in the South since the only time it snows, is when the Midwest decides its had enough for a dumping season.

I also have just been dealing with life. I have not been feeling real swift lately. Another beautiful magical thing of living in Tennessee is the allergy season. I take medication for it but now I have to be fully tested this Friday. So I can't take any for seven days because it alters the test. By the weekend, I will look like Rudolph which is only supposed to fun a certain time of year. All I know is as soon as these tests are done I am going to pop a Zyrtec like a two rounder drug dealing hooker on dollar night.

I also in my lovely absence have taken up residence with a new doctor. My primary physician decided to up and close her practice without any warning. I suspect she ran off to join a line dancing cult. In the meantime, my aunt referred me to a great guy. The only catch is they used to date. He's now married with children, but he walks in, sticks out his hand and I am like, "Dude, we have been drunk together. Let's hug it out." After we get through the catch up on how ya been, whatcha been up to and yeah can you believe it, I have a kid, he sends me to have blood drawn. Six vials of it. If he wanted to paint a room with it, I would have bought him a gallon at Lowe's. He wants to check my sugar levels and every other test known to mankind that will be easy to cure with a vitamin. I explained to him that I feel like I am going through the change of life. Yet, he also seems to have had a major reaction when I told him I put 5 teaspoons of sugar in my coffee every morning. Apparently, this is frowned upon in this establishment. But it could explain my tiredness, night sweats and my ass ballooning up to the point of taking flight if my thighs weren't so big to keep me grounded.

So, in light of all this bullcrap. I decided to take matters into my own hands and cut out the sugars. I gave up my beloved Sprite for Sprite Zero. I am not real thrilled. I had no sugar in my coffee instead using flavored coffee creamer which I picked one that wasn't of my liking, Italian Sweet Cream. I thought maybe this was my ticket to cannoli flavored heaven but that was a bust. I am trying Vanilla Caramel tomorrow. I am not having bread and only good sugars. So far my head is pounding and I have pissed my brains out from the water intake but I am bound and determined to get in my swim suit before the season is up. And it works in my favor since Easter is over and I can't eat the Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs, six at a time.

Did I just ramble? Okay, well, that's life lately and let me know your favorite coffee creamers. I am bound and determined if all else fails to save my teeth.

Happy Monday,


  1. I'm so glad you poked your head in blogger today! At least you made your presence! I bet the kid is rockin those games so you might be in it for a bit! ;)

  2. Allergies SUCK and the older i get the worse they get. Hope you feel better sweety pie! Love ya xoxo

  3. Welcome back to blogland, I've missed you! I take about 5 teaspoons of sugar in my coffee too... I think I'd rather not drink coffee than to have it without sugar. Just the thought of that made me shudder.

    xo, Yi-chia

  4. Allergies are killing everybody around here right now! ready for steady weather!

  5. No sugar and no bread? No thanks. I'd rather be fat and miserable. Good luck.

  6. yay! missed you! so happy to have you back

  7. Oohhh, I've missed your voice mama! And good girl, going to the doc and getting the full work up. I'm about to do the same.

    And give up that bread and sugar mama!! I am too, and it's gonna feel damn good, bikini weather here we come! I respectively disagree with previous comments, sugar and bread are NOT worth feeling fat and miserable!!

    Loves you, Happy Tuesday!

    ps, I like the sugar free vanilla caramel creamer. You can either add sugar substitute to sweeten it, or gag it down for a week w/o it and your taste buds will change and accept it.

  8. PLEASE BITCHES EAT SOME BEEF. How I've missed you.

    I am sorry you aren't feeling well. That just straight up ruins everything. I use coconut milk creamer. I was using vanilla soy creamer but Justin developed an irrational fear of getting soy-related bitch tits, so we switched back to coconut.

    And I agree with Makaila! Of course sugar and bread are tasty, but too much can make you feel like a slug. I'd rather have more beer to make me feel fat and miserable.


  9. I've missed you sweet friend!!!! :)

  10. so glad you are back in action. Allergy testing SUCKS, as my son went thru it 6 years ago. (good luck!!)

    I want a soda now, and tomorrow starts me back on my nutritional stuff, and committing again to my working out. Blah. I have eaten enough for 3 lately. I'm sure there is an nice hollow spot on my couch from my ass indenting it.

    Just glad you are good. Write more, OK? xox0

  11. For the love of all that is HOLY!!! It's about dang time you came back to us!! I have been thinking about you and hope that all gets figured out with the testing...sending you BIG hugs from Texas. And tell Ian that losing a game is NOT an option!! ;)

  12. I'm diagnosing you with carb flu, the achy, tired, grouchy 3-4 days that accompany detoxing off sugar. That shit sucks. But hopefully, it keeps you sexy for longer, right???

    Sometimes I wonder about how smart we are letting computers get... I have a funny feeling that full-body scans might not be quite as far-fetched as we wish they might be!

  13. ahh, I've missed you sweet friend! I've been MIA too, what's the dang deal man! Someday I'll work my way back too :) Hope you start to feel better with your new diet changes! Lots of xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo!

  14. Beautiful beautiful friend...you are amazing! Great work getting on the train to healthy! LOVE YOU!!!